Treading Water in the kiddie pool

Ahhhh

2011-12-02T21:52:00.000-08:00

So Friday night is here, I am in my PJs and very excited that I DONT HAVE TO WORK THIS WEEKEND!! Still pulling the multiple job thing- finishing up one, orienting on the other... but neither are open on the weekends! Yea me!!

I had a fantastic week- spent with my Chaotic Herd and a really great guy. Started the New Job, had 2 turkey dinners- (that I didnt have to cook!) and am feeling pretty darn spiffy.

I say as I am knocking on the wooden desk top.

The Teeners are out Ice Skating with their friends...together. THe Winter Ball is tomorrow... and so is the Lighted Parade. The weekend will be anything but calm, but it should be fun!

Looking forward to a little Christmas shopping, and crafting- and spending time with the people I heart the most. Aaaaahhhh, doesnt seem to get much better than this :)

Good Morning~

2011-11-30T07:16:00.001-08:00

Wow- its really been a while! I feel a bit like a slacker for not keeping up with this- but then I remember... Im a single momma to 7 kids. HA- Guilt No More!!

I have been thinking about you though- That its way past time to update the photos- layout- overal theme in general. Positive positive positive.

Im still treading water- but its starting to feel like its getting a little easier. A little wiggle room. A little stability- or at least stable within the constructs of my chaotic little world!

So, after a bumpy bit of road- I think I am finally getting my groove back. Keep you fingers crossed and I will continue smiling. :)

So brief overview... I still have seven, yes. SEVEN kids... sometimes it feels more like 20 or so- and there are quite a few of the kids' friends I wouldnt mind adopting. There are lots of great kids out there- and they crack me up! Work is going well- although there are lots of recent changes. Not working at the Nursing Home, or the Hospital any longer. Still at the School District, but ws offered a full time job with benefits- so will be leaving the School District right before Christmas. Sad to go, but excited for the new opportunity. Looking into going back to school for my Masters... Im down to 1 job from 3- so I have a free second or two!! HA! The house is still standing, the bills are gettng paid. Summer was a rogh one, but that aspect is turning around. AMEN. I have Super Awesome new friend- who likes me and all of my qurks, who makes me laugh and makes one heck of a Manwich dinner. :) Smiling is a good thing, Laughter in the house is even better. I feel healthy, empowered, appreciated, and hopeful. Things are going well (knocking on wood)- Of course there is the usual Crazy that keeps life interesting... and more about that tomorrow. Peace Out~

Ahhh Summer~~

2011-06-10T21:31:00.000-07:00

Hello again!!

School is out... and Im out of a job. Well, one of them anyway :) Such is the life of a School District employee. Hoping for a full timje position next year- so keep your fingers crossed. It would be amazing not to have to juggle 2-3 jobs, 7 kids and very little rest. So cross your fingers- I appreciate it :)

The kids are loving the chance to DO NOTHING. Dyed their hair for the last day of school... always good for a few giggles.

As for me, I still here. Still breathing (with the help of multiple inhalers, and allergy medications) have an allergy screening and a sleep study to look forward too, but I am still here :)

I have been able to get the monkees off to their various parties, to hang out with their friends, movies, sleep overs... and all that goes with it. I have also mannaged, somehow. to keep in touch with My Ladies and my friends. A couple movies here and there, a dinner or two. Drinks with the girls, ahhh its so nice to start to feel like a person.

Didnt know if that would ever be a possibility!!

There will always be chalenges. Chaos. I get that. But its noce to know that there are people out there that dont think I am horrible. Wrong. Mean. Some people kinda like me. LOL And I didnt have to pay them, give birth to them, or even be related to them!

Its amazing to find a little Happy "out there". A little hope. Sanity. Peace.

Things are looking better and brighter.

Now if I could just get a little vacation, nothing could stop me!! hahaha

And back again~

2011-05-23T18:40:00.001-07:00

Wow- I guess time really does fly. Its been a while--- and I have been busy. Might be a bit of an understatement LOL.

Still working two jobs, still chasing 7 kids... still plugging along.

17 years...

2011-04-17T15:04:00.001-07:00

Seventeen years ago, I had a beautiful baby boy. My world changed in an instant- and I can't imagine how my life could have ever turned out better than it did- just because I had him.

I was 19... 4 months shy of avoiding the dreaded "teenage pregnancy" label. I was 5 months married to my high school sweetheart- who had joined the military to support his Insta-family. The doctor that delivered me... delivered my boy, while his dad was 3000 miles away. It was the hardest, scariest, lonliest, most awe filled day of my life.

I was almost 3 months pregnant when I discovered why I was sleepy all the time. Nobody tells you that antibiotics and birth control don't mesh well. I thought the doctor was joking. I cried for 3 hours thinking about how disappointed my father would be in me. I told my mom first- and was so relieved that she didn't hate me instantly. I was terrified- but her reaction, her hug, made me stronger. It would be ok...I still remember how it felt to sit on the end of her bed and speak those word... mom, Im pregnant.

Daddy was a different story. I was his baby (and still to this day call him Daddy) and the thought of doing anything- to lessen his opinion of me, was a devistating thought. It took him a little while to come around, but he was my biggest advocate.

I dont remember much about the labor- other than it went fast. Within a couple of hours of realizing that I was having contractions, My baby was here. Daddy drove me and mom to the hospital- and Dad was the one who made sure that the nurses were taking care of me. "Her Mother delivered her fast, and she will go fast too. You'd better get ready~" ... and of course, Daddy was right. Doc made it in just in time to catch :)

I remember NO epidural (I delivered too quickly) and I remember the sting of the episiotomy. I remember my mom on one side and my dad holding my hand on the other. I remember the tears in my Daddys eyes.

I remember looking into that squishy red face, and that I couldn't breathe. I remember handing him, all bundled in blue to my Daddys waiting arms... and I remember my dad saying "You did good."

Through all of lifes ups and downs- My Boy has been my rock. The reason I can stay as close to sane as I can. The reason I always had to try... to MAKE things work... because it was for him. He deserved it.

Last night, My Boy had a houseful of friends over- to help him celebrate his birthday. His smile, the overheard bits of conversation, the laughter- I am so proud of the man he has become, and the man he will be. I know he hasn't had "the perfect" life... but he has a momma who has always tried to do right by him. He may look like his dad- but has been raised by his mom- the true definition of a Mommas boy... in the best possible way.

I have always told him that if he hadn't been so fantastic... he could have easily been an only child. :) And he HATES it when I say that... but I still think I can see the sparkle of pride in his eyes when I do.

He is amazing- in every sense... from the sarcastic humor...to the choices he makes...to the way he looks after his little brothers and sisters...all that curly-girly head of hair... to that phenomonal voice (and the Italian words that he sings!)

I know he isn't the way he is all because of me. I wont even try to take the credit for all of that, but I can't help looking at him today- and hearing the words of my Daddy 17 years ago... "You did good."

Yes. I think I did.

Happy Birthday Billy-YOU are the best.

whenssssss day.

2011-04-13T18:10:00.000-07:00

Wednesday wednesday wednesday. Blah.

Grey and rainy. Nothing planned. Of all the millions of movies we own... NOTHING sounds worth the effort of giving up this couch indent and putting it in. Or even the effort to hollar at a monkee to put one in. :)

I am liking the extra hours at the school... just the down time after... is kinda down. The more I work there, the less attractive the hospital available hours seem. Its hard only working a few hours a week there- I feel like I have to re-learn everything every time I go back. Not so good for the confidence :/

makes my mind wonder... not necessarily a good thing!!

So I sit here and ponder possibilities... moving to the Coast and bumming it. Could be relaxing. I hear that there are drive thru daiquiri stands in Lousianna... could be interesting :) Heard Alaska has a pretty big nursing shortage... maybe I could see Russia from my porch?

There is always the "winning the lottery" daydream... the going back to school "possible nightmare." I have WAYYY too much time on my hands :)

Maybe I just need to get out with friends a little more often. LOL no strange ideas could come from THAT though right??

Ahhh My FAVORITE is home :)

2011-04-11T18:56:00.000-07:00

YES, I do mean my laptop!!

I feel like I have been walking around lost with it in the shop. But power cords are important... and one that doesnt shoot little lightning bolts from that little spot where you plug~ thats pretty special too.

There is SOOOO much to tell you! But it all kinda seems like old news now. Not so Bright and Shiny... Kinda like the Trip to the Coast...

We were looking for the Ark after about 10 minutes on the road. Everywhere we stopped people would exclaim how they hadn't seen it rain this much or this hard... "FOR- EV- AAAAAAH." So we drove 5 hours in the wind and the rain, the snow and the hail, over mountain passes, the Columbia River, across state lines, on coastal senic highways. And the rain never let up. It was like being in a really nice shower- lots of water pressure. Steady water flow. And soaked after just a few moments.

The hotel room was amazing- big and roomy... right next to the ocean. We were on the second floor and had a beautiful view of the beach and the waves... in to about four feet into the water before fading into the fog. :(

We were right next to the aquarium... walking distance so we wouldn't be washed away in the tsunami we totally were expecting to hit any second. The kids loved it! touching the slimies, asking questions, buying shells, feeding the sealions... they kept wanting to go back!

We ended up making some adjustments to "the plan" but had a blast. We watched dorky cartoons, went and watched a movie in the local theather... and had the place almost to ourselves. Which was good, because between me and my seven kiddos... we filled up about half of the theater :)

We rode the carosel horses in the little touristy mall, we bought candy and souvineers... squished pennies were the favorite! We had dinner with BigFoot, played Uno and Yatzee. Made up road games, listened to the teenagers tell stories and make jokes. Ate WAY too many snacks.

Made lots of U turns, on purpose of course! LOL found strange sculptures to take photos of. Toured an old Military fort- and found out that my kiddos like the history and stories as much as I do :) They were always looking for another museum, or aquarium, or tour. We even added to our Herd at the Fort- I would tell the kids a little about the history there... and this couple and their two kids always seemed to stay within ear shot. Well, maybe I do get a little excited :D

We scouted for the best gas prices and made a game out of it... theres even an App for that! haha. They LOVED to tell how Momma was pulled over by a State Trooper...(no ticket thankyouverymuch!!) and helped me locate an open late espresso bar.

Sand dollars, soaked kids on the beach, giggles, cuddles, and the best smiles I have seen in a long time. Ahhhhh.

Not the vacation we had hoped for- but SOOOO much bettter. I got to just hang out and enjoy the kids again- the obnoxious, insanely funny, goofy, fun, loving, inquisitive, excitible, HUNGRY, silly, cuddly, absolutely amazing kiddos of mine.

A stress free vacation... one momma and seven kids. Who would have thought it possible. But it was- I couldn't have planned a better one :)

Good Morning Sunshine...

2011-03-30T03:35:00.000-07:00

Maybe?

Its been a hellava week. Asthma doctor CONFIRMED I have asthma (duh.) "Moderate to severe chronic asthma" which means MORE steroids...More inhalers- for-ev-ah... and FINALLY the allergy tests and blood work I had been requesting for ummmm 6 months or so.

Its also Spring break for the monkees... and no work for me... sooo, I went until 3:27pm on Monday before starting to look for the hidden bottle of vanilla vodka.

FOUND IT :D

Had been looking forward to the trip to the BEACH, since the beginning of March- printed out the confirmation last night-got the van packed and all the little ducks in s row... Woke up at 2:30am (of course) and started my last minute checks...

My reservation printed for the week BEFORE I MADE IT.

WTF.

So emails and a phone call- at 2am... to straighten out the situation. GRRRRR. AND we are driving right into the middle of a wonderful storm-o-la. I keep hoping for a little sun shiney break thru (or woll have to suffer the Wrath of the Monkees for the 4 hours on the way back...

Oh well. Its Somewhere Else, NOT here.

Its the beach!!! Nothing is gonna rain on my parade... well, except the rain. Maybe... There better not be another Tsunami warning though- I dont think I can pack enough vodka to make THAT work for me. :) :/ :D

Wishing~

2011-03-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

For a lotto win... For a instant weight loss... for kids that mind... a self cleaning house... a caffeine IV... FOR IT TO BE WEDNESDAY ALREADY!!

Come on WEDNESDAY... a little sun would be great too :) But the rain is fine with me!

rain rain rainy rain rain :)

2011-03-26T19:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should have already started on my Ark...

I love rainy days. I love the smell, the cozy cuddle up weather. Counch time with the kiddos and soup on the stove... ahhhh.

That being said- my short ones.... not so excited about a rainy trip to the coast. I dont get it! The beach is the beach no matter WHAT the weather... and you go for the sand and the water anyway, right? If its rainy you just get to the water part forst... without really trying :)

I love the beach. I dream about the beach- I write about the beach. If I could I would MARRY the beach... just ask my six year old. "If you love it so much mom, why don't ya just marry it?!" I tell him its tempting.

You can tell if the ocean is in a bad mood- just by looking at it. It sometimes leaves you little suprises. You always know its there. It wont tell your secrets. It roars just enough that you dont feel like you are alone, even if you are alone. Every single day you get to satert fresh- a clean slate- the marks of the day before are erased with the tide.

Verrrry tempting.

I keep hoping that I will go down and hit the lottery, find an awesome house- get a fantastic job offer... and will be able to stay. Just like I wrote in my high school yearbook. "You'll find me on the coast.."

Actually, one of the little known facts about my love affair with the beach is that it is pretty much only the Oregon coast that gets my attention. Washington coast smells a little funny... and then there is the issue with the werewolf indians and the pale but sparkly vampires up here. WAY too much drama. I wont even get started about all the plastic on the California beaches. Oregon is just right :)

The other more little know fact is that I think I prefer it in the rain. And in November. And when it is grey and cold and nobody is there... I think I like it that way the most.

So while the kids are whining- I am beyond giddy with anticipation- a rainy couple of days on the beautiful coast... I CAN'T WAIT!!!

Now I just have to remember to buy some of those lotto tickets :)

my boy~

2011-03-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today I have been challenged. My boy, the Loudest Child on The Planet...The same one who is reading over my shoulder as I type this... has talked non stop since he got off the bus today after school.

Yes, his Grandma came over. Yes, his dad came over for dinner. Yes, his cousin rode the bus home with him. Yes, spring break starts RIGHT. NOW. Yes, the beach trip is coming up soon.

NO, he cannpt wait. No, he has just one more question. One more explaination. Just one more- something.

I have a theory... that if I tape his wee little hands down, he would be unable to effectively communicate. I think his vocal power comes directly from his dramatic hand gestures.

But then again- thats my boy :)

Smarty Britches

2011-03-23T21:06:00.001-07:00

My kiddos are smart. Smart assed. Smart mouthed. And just plain ole too smart.

They ask lots of questions- and most of them are relevant. Some- not so much. Some break my heart. And some are just "above their pay grade."

Being a mom- is not an easy thing. I have to come up with responses for "why?" and "yea.. but WHY???" When they are really short, I could get away with "because I said so" but it doesnt seem to work as well as they start to get taller than me.

I often wonder where some of these lovely inquirys come from... other times I know EXACTLY where... and why... but still dont understand the logic behind it.

From the teenager that wants to know whats wrong with getting his tounge pierced for his birthday....and WHY I said no- to the kids repeating questions about the specifics of my divorce. I've gotten a lot of questions about things they really don't need to know the minute details of- but do... and how do you try and explain things that are hard for a grown up to understand?

I have always tried to keep things simple for the kids, honest but simple. AND to not pass blame, or hurt feelings, or insults about ANYONE that they care about.

My kiddos are smart. They know what they have seen, they know who cares about them, and they know they can ask me anything. And they do... No matter how uncomfortable, hard, and unanswerable the queries may seem...I will still do the best I can to help them understand.

'Cause I said so!

They call me Wheezy~

2011-03-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today was just an all around weird one. My 6 year old came to sleep with me- actually I MADE him, he wouldn't quit talking to his brother so I had to seperate them. I woke up at 3 (wheezing of course) to the 4 year old on one side of me... and the 6 year olds feet next to my head on the other side. "I was just trying to get cozy... heeheehee" he said.

Dorkus Maximus.

Then at work- things are ALWAYS interesting. Never a dull moment (which I LOVE) and a lot of "what the heck were they thinking?!" situations. I kinda felt like one of those gerbils on a wheel though- I was running running running but don't know if I really got anywhere.

Then was called by my boss, that MY kiddo was puking all over the class room. Fantastic. Usually I am the one who gets to make those types of calls to parents, not so much fun to GET them.

Pukey kiddo, PreSchool pick up, Blondie McTeenagers Dr appointment (now waiting for a pastic surgeon consult- WHOLE 'nother blog post with that one!) home to make dinner... while all the kids are eatting Ramen... then off to Cheer practice- on a night with no practice.

Run Run RUN... try and breathe (wheeze)

And what did I do today??

Goooo VIKS

2011-03-22T17:13:00.000-07:00

My Blondest One has decided to try out for Cheerleader. Im glad she has found something to do, that SHE chose... none of her friends are trying out.

But it will be a struggle. She is trying out against a group of older girls. Girls who have had years of dance lessons. Who have gone to camps, and classes, and have tried out before.

AND it will be a challenge for her poor momma... it is already HARD not to jump in and try and "help" her with cheers, routines, what to do and how to do it. But I WONT be a stage mom, I WONT be a stage mom, I WONT be a stage mom.

GO Kenny!! I'll be cheering for you!

Sunless Sunday

2011-03-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

Some days just seem harder than others. No matter haw hard you wish the sun will come out- it just doesn't.

Today was such a day. Everything I wanted to hurry up and do- took twice as much time. Anything I wanted to take slow~ and enjoy, zoomed by way too fast.

Like a cosmic raspberry. PTHhhhhhhhhhh.

Tomorrow is another day- maybe we'll get a little sunshine.

Oh Happy Day!!!

2011-03-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

Just booked my spring break BEACH vacation... You can't say Bea- :)ch without a smile in the middle.

It never for as long as I'd like, but its a first step towards the summer. I <3 the beach.

AND The Teenager is going to sing his little heart out on the stage at the Capitol Theater, the bunk beds are up and MADE, the sun is a shining...AHHhhhhhhh~

Momma is ONE super happy lady :)

Update~

2011-03-19T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have no date... hahaha.

See what a little respitory medication can do to your sense of humor? NOTHING good!

Well, Friday was good... because it was Friday :) Came home to report cards and meds.. and a sick kiddo or two. Needless to say- the kids are still singing. For Now. The meds are keeping me breathing. For Now. And the sickos are doing ok... :)

Oh! I ran into an old friend yesterday, and got to visit of a little bit. Its always great to catch up, I love how all the memories come rushing back. It makes me sad that I have been out of touch with so many of them for so long. I know some pretty fantastic people... not to brag or anything :) Of course!!

It always amazes me the complete range of awesomeness that my High School friends have accomplished. Knowing them back then... who woulda thunk it, RIGHT? I know I never spent a lot of time wondering about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had it all planned out...Solid Gold Dancer- DUh!! LOL

And I am in constant awe of the directions my friends' lives went. Talking with my friend, I heard the updates on even more friends and how, from this sleepy little town they somehow became State Troopers, Artists and Wildlife Photographers, Sports Announcers, Rock Stars, Medical Professionals, Terminal Students :), Archeologists,Builders and Electricians, Teachers, Military, Graphic Novelists, Travelers, Bankers and Real Estate, AMAZING PARENTS, and the Voices for Change. As well as everything in between. I can't even begin to say how proud of them I am- haha and I thought I had a pretty amazing go of it!

Back In the Day, all that seemed to matter was Athlete, Cheerleader, Brain, Cowboy, Loser, Wannabe. How silly that all seems now. Look at all the Amazing we were missing out on?! All those labels meant nothing. Didn't even begin to give a glimpse of what and who they really were/ and are.

I can't even imagine how many options are out there, that I know I never considered- Wow. Who would have thought that Selah Could have produced such a wide variety. Makes me wonder what my kids and their group of friends are going to do- how far they will go, and how limitless their possibilities really are.

If I can just get them off the couch ;)

What happened to Thursday?

2011-03-18T20:25:00.001-07:00

My Thursday was a blur...

Work... Boys to Grandmas, me to the hospital for another breathing test. Doc was 90% sure I didn't have asthma- and this test was supposed to rule it out for good. It was a 5 part test- and I sailed through the first two parts.. the tester even started joking how it was just an expensive waste of time. Then came the first inhale of part 3... I siezed up and couldnt breathe. The next hour I spent on the nebulizer with the tester shaking his head. Evidentually that was the fastest reaction he had ever seen.

yes, I feel quite accomplished now. AND more than a lot wired.

THEN I had to rush and pick up the girls from the house, and then the teen and friend to drop them off at the concert in town. Bought bunk beds... went to a baby shower... came home and crashed.

nebulizer hangover headache. NOT a favorite.

Kids home, bathed, bed... I think I sat down at 8... woke up at 11 with the phone ringing. Time to pick up the boys.

Home again... and couldn't sleep.

Ahhh the joys of being me.

POSITIVE NOTE... I know for POSITIVE that I have asthma... and can work on figuring out how to deal with it, instead of thinking I do..or don't.

WOW

2011-03-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

What an Outstanding Wednesday...

not so much. Honestly, I think I have some of the best friends in the world. No matter whats going on, who or how the struggles go~ I know I can call on them to listen... Give advice...offer to avenge me (tempting!)

that is about as positive as its gonna get today....

In full disclosure here, I know I set myself up to get hurt. I know I try hard ( maybe too hard) to help people, and occassionally screw myself over in the process.

I thought I was.starting to get burned in one situation... And was prepared for that... Was able to stand up for myself, and still able tofeel like it was a ...mostly... Positive experience. In another situation, I was less prepared... So my kindness and attempted generosity, was a total "up yours... But thanks!" I knew it would come, but was still smacked upside the noggin with the turn of events.

i have 7 kids. I take that responsibility very seriously, it shades ebery single action I make, and every thought I have. I don't have the time, the energy, the patients, or the give a shit to be responsible for anyone else~

I am tired. You all don't listen. IF you ask for my advise you certainly don't hear it or take it. You argue with anything I say, until you think you hear what you were looking for in the first place.

please. Make your own choices, you (the PEOPLE) are all grown ups. If I cared, I would tell you what I thought. Just let me be~

Superior~

2011-03-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Today my blondest daughter had a choir competition- totally not the GLEE spectacular that I think she'd like to have for a competition- but they all did great... without the costumes and the drama :) They scored a 1- (One minus) almost the best possible score, like ever (translated from teen speak). Not bad for songs in German, Italian, and Latin.

She and her brother amaze me with their singing. I am POSITIVE (see how I did that heehee) that their talent comes from me... even though I can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Pretty impressive- these little monkees of mine. Pre-tee impressive!!

Positivity

2011-03-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

I keep hearing that positive thinking can change the world.

Not the "Im positive this SUCKS" kind of positive either. Thats the kind I seem to be practicing lately. And I am totally ready for a change.

New hair cut, new diet, new furniture arrangement... new outlook.

So my positive for today... hummm.

Today, I made an effort to help. I know I can't save the World, but there are things I can do to make it a little better. Today, I researched and found resources that can help- if she chooses to use them. I can't do much to fix the situation, but I can help point her in the right direction.

I have a cousin in trouble- and she's probably in more trouble than she realizes. Its sad, its hard to listen to- and its heartbreaking to know she probably wont accept the help being offered to her- especially when shes furious because its not just exactly what she wants.

She can't be with her kids right now- but they are safe. She is safe. Thats the most important thing. She has people who care about her, though she is sure that nobody does.

I am amazed how people will pull together to help. Even if its someone they don't know. I made some calls, talked to some friends... and then started to get calls- from people who wanted to help- or had information that they thought I needed.

Positive note of the day- there really are good people out there. Even when you feel the lowest there are people who care- Even if you dont know who they are.

Sick and Tired~

2011-03-13T13:03:00.000-07:00

Literally.

I feel like I have a head full of cotton, a throbbing softball of pressure behind my nose, I couldn't sleep, am still wheezy- AND have the nastiest cough I can ever remember.

I wanna curl up on the couch and sleep the day away- but with seven monkees who fell TOTALLY healthy, and insist on watching and endless loop of GLEE - at maximum volume... It ain't a gonna happen.

Allergy meds. Check. Sinus decongestant. Check. Fuzzy socks, soup on the stove, bribes paid out, and ass on the couch... But Mommas don't get sick. Right??

Hoping for the best...

Read at your own Risk~

2011-03-12T14:39:00.000-08:00

It has come to my attention that there are some people offended (or upset or pick your own "not happy" word) by my postings here. If you don't want to read it- don't! Nobody is making you- really.

I write here for ME. If you want to know about the things I think about, my worries, my fears, my frustrations, my joys, my ways to cope- you are welcome to read. I don't write for your pleasure or approval. Im tired of trying to please everyone at my expense. Im way to old, too tired, and too busy to deal with that drama. Anymore.

And if you don't agree with what I am doing, how I am doing it, or who my friends are- or anything else I choose ... that may be part of the reason we aren't together. I don't owe any explainations-

Nobody ever said I was perfect, especially not me. BUT I DO NOT make decisions quickly, or without thought. I am not easy swayed... by everyone else because my opinion does not match with yours. I ALWAYS put the interests of my kids above all else. Period. And I am proud of the friends and family I have that support me in MY decisions- rather than making me feel bad for things.

None of this has been easy. I understand hurt and frustration. I understand hard, and having to live with the consequences of choices. All that matters is that I KNOW I tried to make things work- so hard for so long.

I finally had enough. Im sorry. And I don't have to take the brunt of it anymore.

Murphys whaaaaaaaaat??

2011-03-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

Murphy don't got nothing on me :)

Country songs could be written about my life. Books could be written about all the stuff that goes on... but nobody would believe it. And it would all be funny- if it weren't always happening to me!!

After a great Smursday lunch, the van started to steam and spit. A part cracked spraying all my coolant OVER my engine... I thought flames were going to jump out any second. Have to call the Bob Squad to come and save the day.

When they say it takes a village- they were wrong. It takes the awesomeness o My kiddos decided baked potatoes sounded FANTASTIC, do in a little plastic bowl they put a teeny tiny potato, and put that into the microwave for 15 minutes. Neither survived and my house still stinks of burnt plastic. Didnt know how much a potato could look like a chunk of coal before.

Did I mention yet another coffee pot bit the dust?

LOL go figure.

Smursday~

2011-03-11T20:25:00.000-08:00

Back in nursing school there was a joke about needing an extra day of the week to get everything. Smushed somewhere between Wednesday and Thursday- Smursday was born.

Smursdays were sacred. They were brief moments in time where Onion Rings were calorie free... Festive beverages were consumed (or in my case discussed with abandon)... and the ranting, venting, whining, gossiping... anything NON school related- was fair game.

I honestly think my sanity was retained by these amazing women. We vary in ages, backgrounds, numbers of children, and practically everything else- but share that 2 year experience that changed us all.

We have tried to get together at least once a month since we graduated- its hard, but important, I think.

We have supported each other through amazing situations and circumstances- I for one dont think I would have tried to work things out in my marriage as long as I did with out them... I know I wouldn't have had the strength to end it with out there constant support either. They were there for me, and I hope I have been the same to them as well.

Thanks for the lunch ladies~ I love you, and can't wait til next time.

And the verdict is...

2011-03-09T19:23:00.000-08:00

Not asthma!!

I have been having breathing issues since September- Bronchitis, sinus congestion, shortness of breath, wheezing, blue fingertips, allergies.... 2 ER trips, 7 to the Doc...nebulizers,steroids, 5 different inhalers (that never seemed to work)and 3 different types of antihystamines...

I FINALLY got to see a specialist... to diagnose the asthma every one was sure I had...

Uhhh NOPE.

No wonder the inhalers weren't helping!!

always some drama.

2011-03-08T21:59:00.000-08:00

How goes the old saying... a nice guy finishes last? They must not have meet a nice girl- we come up waaaaaay after that.

No matter how hard you try, or what you do- it never seems like enough. Or the right thing. Or it could have been dealt with better. Or I wouldn't have done it that way... Life can certainly seem like a NO WIN sometimes.

The crappiest part is that the people you most care about- have the unfortunate distinction of being the very same ones that can hurt you the worse. Push JUST the right buttons. And make you feel like hell for even trying/caring in the first place.

I'm not saying I want to win- if anybody ever wins... Other than Charlie of course- haha...but it would be amazing not to feel like dead last all the time.

Happy

2011-03-07T21:54:00.000-08:00

Nothing like a marathon phone call, old memories, and a lot of giggles to make you forget your stress and lets you just be in the moment- and happy.

I remember happy...

and I think I liked it :D

Today is another day~

2011-03-07T18:10:00.000-08:00

Back to work, busy is always good. Still feel like a newby some times, but days like today- I feel like I have earned my RN. Patients seen, phone calls made, paperwork worked on...running from start to finish- but the feeling of accomplishment is priceless. For a Monday- it weren't too bad.

It is also conference week for the short ones... which means race home from work to try and beat the bus home. Busy week- but then busy is good.

I have re-discovered that I have an amzing support system- and when things are the darkest, its hard to remember that. But they are still there- checking in on me, supporting me, reminding me that I am stronger than I think I am.

Its also nice to have old friends to talk to too- ones that haven't had to live through all my day to day drama- and are just there, and treat me like usual, rather than worrying about me all the time. That is nice to have as well.

The weather is nicer, the kids are running around outside, I have a chance to breathe- Things are looking up.

And its about time.

And...Im back.

2011-03-06T23:01:00.000-08:00

Last time I braved the blog site, I just filled for Legal Seperation from hubby #2. This time, I have just completed the finalization of that divorce.

My heart still feels like its gone.

Mixed emotions, new stresses, realizing that Im 36. Have 7 kids. 2 divorces. A ton of student loans. Waiting for the next shoe to drop~

Im even more depressed now that I wrote that.

I have good friends and a supportive family, but I still feel like a loser. "If I would have tried harder"..."If I would have been better... different... enough..." But I KNOW I did everything I could. I held on LONGER than I thought I could- or probably should have. But none of that matters now- I am where I am.

Just think of all of those years spent thinking how amazing it would be when we would grow up and be Adults! All the fun, freedom, the excitement... What a total crock. Instead of that I get Laundry! Dishes! Calls from the Principal! and BILLS!

Not to mention stress, stretchmarks, and insomnia.

What a catch I would be.

Here I sit.

2010-09-28T16:32:00.001-07:00

Sitting here, in relative quiet thinking about my life.

WTF!!

The kids are cleaning (haha) their rooms, dinner is in the oven and Iron Man 2 is primed and ready to go... and I am here with my heart ripped out.

Papers will be signed tomorrow and off to the courthouse after that. I know I have made the right decisions, but its still a pretty big ouch.

Day off?

2010-09-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

The term "day off" is a joke. A fraud. A total tease. A "day off" for a mom? Are you kidding me?!

Got some unexpected news yesterday and now am trying to process it. What to do, how to do it. Have gone from the shock- to the mad. Currently in the PROTECT phase of the process. I hate feeling like I need to do something, in a legal sense, but would feel worse if "the worst" were to happen.

Those monkees of mine are my first priority, every thing else is nothing.

Sick and tired

2010-09-25T20:27:00.000-07:00

I am completely...

sick and tired of being sick and tired. Long hours and crappy sleep do not a happy momma make.

And this breathing out of only one side of my face is getting very very old.

Already??

2010-09-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

Its Wednesday already- how did that happen?

Back to work at Peds- and I am amazed at how much more I learn every day. You'd think that College would have taught me a lot- but the job has taught me more... and I have only been there a month! Crazy how much I don't know- but it keeps you humble, right?

Like I need another lesson on humble. Or humility, or responsibility, or stress!!

Still a work in progess here trying to get this single, workin' mom- thing down. The kids are happy and I am still afloat- so I must be doing something right. It helps to have good friends and family support.

Especially when they provide orange-chocolates and vanilla vodka :)

Sunday

2010-09-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

Was called into work last night- overnighter shift. First on "on my own" for the most part. Wow- do I need to learn to speak spanish!

Mom and Dad offered me nap time... bring the kids over and sleep today- SOOOO nice to get some rest. I dont know if its the bed that is amazing, or knowing I could sleep and the kids would be covered.. but it was lovely. I dont even remembering my head hitting the pillow.

Back in the drind tomorrow- working on the Peds floor. Just when I was starting to get used to the 4th!

I have decided that busy is good. Too busy to worry about all the other crap and focus on the kiddos, and boy am I keeping busy!Doing better- every day... a little better.

Ahhhh Friday!

2010-09-17T21:51:00.000-07:00

Today was a good day- I was able to have lunch with My Ladies, which was way over due. Nothing can improve the state of mind like being surrounded by your friends.

We even had movies and ice cream... all my monkees and me.

I can honestly say- I loved every minute of it~ definately a good day. And not a sceond too soon.

Another day

2010-09-17T10:30:00.000-07:00

Im tired. Physically, emotionally- Im drained.

Honestly I dont know why I ever thought I was required to be all things to everyone... but show how it looks like I have taken on that responsibility.

Maybe Im incredibly slow- but I just dont think I can do it anymore. I just figured that out.

I cant alwyas be the strong one, the grown up, the one with all the solutions, and I can't bear all of the burden of blame- no matter how hard I try. And suprisingly- I think I am able to realize that I shouldnt have to be.

NObody tells you this when you are growing up- dreaming of being able to stay up as late as you want, eat junk food all day, and plan your "perfect" life.

On second thought - its probably for the best that they dont. Its too depressing.

Haha

2010-09-15T21:44:00.001-07:00

Lately I have felt like the butt of some gigantic cosmic joke. And I can't for the life of me figure out what I did to deserve it.

Cut me some slack- will ya? Please?! Im begging here- and I DON'T do that.

Who ever it is up there running things definately has a sick sense of humor.

Did you see I said please??

The one where I bitch.

2010-09-14T21:20:00.000-07:00

Im not at all into the He said-She said stuff... BUT when I get calls from people I dont even know, asking me to clarify "the situation" because it doesn't make sense.... I think I have the right to vent.

Just like me having to break the news to the Mother-in-law. How is that right?

I knew I would somehow be made the bad guy. That things would get twisted and details left out- in order for OTHER people to be blameless. AND I should be mad...

BUT IM NOT! I am PROUD I have an education. A job. A backbone. And a little bit of self respect. If being the "bitch" is what it takes to protect my family, and be a good mom to my kids... I will wear that label with pride.

New Era

2010-09-13T22:03:00.001-07:00

Today the last of my monkees started her first day of public pre-school. I am the only person I know to have kids in each one of the five public schools in town. I think there should be some sort of prize for that... like free brownies, or a tummy tuck.

Dressed in her new finery-BRIGHT school bus yellow skirt and shirt- that totally matched her yellow, cut out girl name tag. Sporting her very first hair cut (5 cm trim of the ends of that mullet shjes been wearing since she firt sprouted hairs!!) It was a good day. Buttercup was even chosen to be line-leader- the teacher figured she had so many siblings that she would probably know just what to do, and how to do it. The teacher was right- she did.

I admit I was a little bit lost trying to figure out what to do with a morning to myself- it was oddly quiet...but checking my watch every 5 minutes or so just to make sure I wouldn't be late to pick her up- kept me pretty busy!

I can't believe they are all in school- and I am finally OUT of school.

Crazy how time flies.

Sunday

2010-09-12T17:58:00.000-07:00

Another training day at work- and another weekend with the kids running havoc on the house while I am there. They did attempt to do the chores I left for them... to a certain "kids definition" of clean.

A work in progress, so to speak.

I did get my first "good" paycheck- the one where I am an RN- and was supposed to help me feel like the last 2 years of homework and stress were actually worth something... and they didn't change my payrate like they were supposed to. Opening up a much anticipated (and now totally needed) check for 1/3 the amount you are expecting- makes you want to shrivel up.

Now I am terrified to look at the bank account- knowing it was ravaged to begin with- being the grown up is not all its cracked up to be.

At least I HAVE a job, I HAVE an education, and I HAVE hope for being able to take control of this financially "interesting" situation.

It still stings though, when I hear about people planning vacations, or home remodels, or talking about their new cars. Thats not going to be me- for a long time. I just wish I could give the kids more-

Changes~

2010-09-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

LOTS have happened since I last wrote here. I am now working at the local hospital, and I love it. ALL the kids are back at school- including the tiniest hiney (part day pre-school!!)and I love that too. And I am now a single mom. Not an easy thing, but I am dealing I have with it the best I can.

I have re-discovered my completely lack of tolerance for stupid, and for drama- I just don't have time for those. I have homework to check, bills to pay, and kids to love. That keeps me plenty busy~

I have also been reminded how important it is to have good friends, a great family, and lots of support- I really am a very lucky girl. Just looking at my living room surrounded by all of my 7 monkees is proof of that.

Life is full of changes, and this is just another one of those. Wish me luck...

Graduation-

2010-06-11T18:36:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I graduated WSU (yea me!! Now I need to pass my exam and get a job) my 5 year old graduated from Kindergarten (yea!! All day school next year!) and my daughters born on the same day (who have let me know that calling them Twins, twinners, Dee and Dum- are no longer appreciated) had their ceremony today- Moving up to 5th grade (another school).

I have come to the following conclusions. Graduations are WAY over rated, and happen all to often for any of them to feel like much more than another thing to check of the list.

I am proud of my monkees- and me too- but the ceremonies have to stop!!

people dressed up talking about the future (and not making much sense) and "recognizing" every little thing is a good way to blow a couple of hours- but dont really convey the deep meaning that they should, imho.

Slap on a goofy hat, snap a few photos, have some refreshments and call it good.

We have summer to get to people!!

Amazing Kiddos

2010-05-28T20:43:00.000-07:00

Of course- I have amazing kids. Absolutely!

And I am not biased at all :)

My Billy just made the HS performance choir... AND he is only a freshman...

My MacKadoo is doinging amazing at school- and can sing pretty well herself. Viks beware...

I have an amazing dancer in the making- Caden can pick up moves like nobody I know

Kayler is my designer- fabric, pencils, paper, color... this girl is creative.

Tommy boy just finished up his first year of Little League- and did great. His coach gave him the award for "best arm" - and the smile on that guys face is priceless.

JJ is loving his t-ball- and has declared himself to be "the bestest one." I would have a hard time arguing with the little man.

Claire-bear is my little drama queen- and couldn't get much cuter if she tried.

I have a pretty amazing bunch. I have a lot of them- and they amaze me every single day. I don't know how that happened- but I couldn't be prouder of them.

Hear me roar~

2010-05-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Ok-so its been raining ALL day again, I haven't heard anything job wise, and I am a grumpy witch too.

Talk about good times!

What?!?!

2010-05-26T21:59:00.000-07:00

So this morning started with a monsoon and a prayer. A prayer that th rain would keep a'coming till 6pm so I could reschedule some of the stuff that my way overbooked Wednesday had in store for me.

Mother Nature is NOT my friend.

So I go to miss EVERYHING!! I had a little league game (last of the season and I had ye to take a photo) that started at 630pm, 2 teens in their last choir concert... at 6pm, and the pick up of a feild tripping twinner sometime between 530 and 630pm. So....

Called in the Momma back-up (my mom - thanks ;) )to come to the game and take photos.... Daddy-o was coaching. Dropped the teens off at 530 and went to the warm up of the slugger. Got a call from the twinner... ran to pick her up....waited for 40minutes in the school parking lot... ran to the concert... the last 10 minutes that DIDN'T involve my spawn... and by then the baseball game was over.

Super mom my arse- I missed EVERYTHING.

Oh and the rain stopped at 4- bright and sunny, no wind... just a bunch of puddles- I shoulda been prayng for rain all season- this was the best weather we've seen all year.

grrrr

Concession Stand~

2010-05-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

Today my boy played T-ball... and I was at another field in the concession stand. I took Kenny with me- and sent Grandma to help herd the chil'in.

First of all it was JUST MOMs that volunteered ... and there were a couple of teen daughters that came too. I was COMPLETELY impressed with those girls!

Kenny was awesome. Got in an worked, laughed, helped- just really came out of her shell. 3 hours with someone I could call a friend- not just a kid I had to watch out for.

Maybe I am doing something right to have kids turn out that good ~

Or maybe shes just amazing. Definately a possibility :)

yup- another Monday.

2010-05-24T20:53:00.000-07:00

Survived another one. Whew!

Applied for another (cross your fingers!) job... setting myself up for another rejection. At least I am used to the feeling now, right?

In other news... FB continues to be entertaining. There is SO MUCH MORE involved in being am at home momma than people (most people) realize... and I have been beyond busy- with little to show for it.

but I am starting to feel like passing my boards is possible. Not yet, but possible.

Friday-

2010-05-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Friday was a day- like no other.

I did so much stuff it took a while for me to sit and spill! LOL

Helped my friend move... it was a 4 nurse event...and I swear I will sell everything I own before I pack up all my crap and move again. Im sure I wont- but wow. Moving sucks. I haven't had to in a while (knock on wood) but sure did come to appreciate the Army Movers.

My Friend is on her way to Michigan- By Leslie... keep in touch Lady!! and drive safe. Oh yea- BUY A KINDLE ALREADY!!!!

Came home, picked up the Teen.. and spent 3 hours at the ER. Teenage games of Leap Frog is a growing epidemic in our community. Especially when the (dork) misses the mark, flies over the kid, and slams his shoulder into concrete floor. Not broken, just sprained. And has a lovely sling to show for it.

He does have supportive friends who texted him in the ER..."hear you fell off a horse and was hurt! Good thing the Walmart greeter was there to unplug the pony before more damage could be done. Becareful!! We worry about YOU!"

Kids- sometimes they are dorks... other times they can be funnier than ... um the dorky things they do!

Rain Rain ...

2010-05-23T12:19:00.000-07:00

So I am feeling like I have lost some of the shiney... New grad- sch-mad. Just another expensive piece of paper. BSN definately has more than one meaning.

Sitting here on a rainy day - one of many lately. ANd I can't get enough. Starting to think that Ireally do live on the wrong side of the state... the not green one. Maybe THEY would hire a new nurse?? It would make the beach commute less of an issue.

Ummmmmm Beach.....

Yesterday was pretty cool though.I was able to watch a very good Little League game (in the sunshine!!) yesterday. T hit an awesome line drive- that his teacher was there to witness- and she got so excited she yelled out "Yea Tommy!! No home work for the rest of the year!!!"

Gotta love that!!

I got to hang out with my niece too- cute little thing. Almost makes me wish I had a tiny hiney around here... then she filled her britches :)

Not a bad way to finish up the day... Then I had to ruin it by trying to study. Bad, bad bad, BAD.

mixed feelings~

2010-05-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

Ok- so I didn't get either of the two jobs I totally thought I had... and then get phone calls from BOTH of my interviewers telling me I was great- qualified- wonderful- BUT....

And they both asked if they could keep my number- just in case.

So it sucked to NOT be hired, then it sucked again to hear that I was great- but just not "enough."

Frustration x 1000.

OOps

2010-05-20T20:19:00.000-07:00

Looks like I missed a day!

Yesterday was nice and rainy... Today started out the same. JJ was praying for the sunshine- T-Balls first game was tonight. 4 and 5 year old SuperStars- every one of 'em.

Still fighting the headache, the stress and anxiety of Boards, dinner and laundry, lack of job ops for a "new grad"... how do you gain experience if you cant get a job?!

Totally missing my motivation. If found PLEASE send back to me... this couch isn't as comfy as I hoped it would be.

Weather ??

2010-05-18T21:08:00.000-07:00

What has been with the weather lately- pouring rain, wind gusts, scorching heat... wait 5 or 6 minutes it changes. Feels like Colorado.

In positive news... T-ball practices are the bestest. 4 and 5 year old SUPERSTARS!! :) :) :) :) and icecream bars after. Nice day

Manic Monday

2010-05-17T20:35:00.000-07:00

Wish it was Sunday... Thats my fun (nap!!) day...

Completed two job interviews...avoided studying (again) for my boards... went to a baseball game...

And a killer migraine.

I have such an exciting life :)

Reintroduction

2010-05-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

I re-discovered the wonders of a N-A-P today. Sure sending the kids down is great... but somehow finding a way (or accidentally crashing out on the couch) to catch a few Zzzzzz for myself.... PRICELESS!!

So Sunday was shot- but in a good way:)

Tomorrow... heading to interviews- REFRESHED. Enthusiastic. Eager. Desperate?!

Complete with "new grad" shine... Bring it on.

Pooped

2010-05-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

OUT.

Our towns Commuinity Days (Parade and Carnival) was today.

7 kids. 'Nuff said.

2010-05-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

Coffee cancelled. Job I really REALLY wanted went to someone else.

Pretty much feel like shit. EVEN MORE when people tell me that I SHOULD have gotten it.

Yea- Im THAT amazing.

Another day- another cluster...

2010-05-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

Ok- so 4 dentist appointments, 3 kids played hookie... nothing like MOM scheduling appointments on State Testing Day... no one ever said I was the sharpest knife in the drawer :)

But they are DONE... (until next month when 3 go back for panoramic x-rays... 2 for orthodontic baselines and one for a severely cracked tooth.)Cha-CHING. Times 3. AND the teenagers havent even been seen yet.

Really needing to pass the Boards and start making some money. Ehhhh.

Came home, to find my pretty vines were shredded (but I didn't know you LIKED them!!grrrrrrrr!!) and a grumpy hubby (who could not find his socks)and chewed us all out for HIS issue.

To Do for tomorrow... buy the boy flops. No socks required. :) AFTER I have a coffee double date. Clara and I with my friend and her girlie. Caffiene and conversation :)

Looking forward to it ~

LONG day...

2010-05-12T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today I ran.

Not in the traditional "cardio workout" fashion. It was more along the lines of "crazy ass busy mom" run. On the go- Some days even I don't know how the heck I do all the little things I do- and still avoid the looney bin.

One kid off on the bus, RUN the twins in- they needed to be to school early. RUN HOME. Get a 'mergency text to rescue my brother...load up the rest of the kids and RUN. Almost get there and he saved himself. Yea! for him... RUN back to school to drop off the boys on time. RUN back into town to hit wally world- visit my friend and her beautiful newborn at the hospital- briefly- and RUN Billy back to school (late start for him.)

RUN to the elementary school to drop off flowers for the school nurse... its National School Nurse Appreciation Day... Did YOU say thank you?!?! Pick up JJ early to RUN to the dentist. Get a call on the way about forgetting a filed trip (oops!) Sit throuh the teeth cleaning of a three year old - with her know it all (and STILL loudest child on the planet) brother. RUN to get some lunch before the next medical appointment.

Get to a nice family resturant- order, RUN to the bathroom. Get our water, and start to color...RUN to the restroom. Get the meals, RUN back to the restroom. Threaten the lives of BOTH the shorties about how this was the end of the bathroom privilages (for the 2nd time) and head back to the table. Thinking I have totally lost control all the way back.

The kids eat their lunches, and the cell phone rings. I realize that I never really had control in the first place.

The check comes, the kids are fed... the seniors comment that they are "adorable"... and I still havent taken more than 3 bites if my salad. Box it up and RUN back to the doc's office. Cesear salad in a hot van for a "brief appointment" ... ummm yuck. Kinda made me miss all the unique smells of high chairs and exersaucer cleanings.

1.5 hour long dr appointment, 3 shots and and RUN back to town to pay some bills and get a phone call. Moooooooooom can you pick me up I missed the bus.

RUN back to pick up the teenager, and RUN home to throw something together for dinner- that didnt involve chicken, or salad. Sent the boy-wonder off with Daddy-o to baseball practice and I curled up on the couch.

Seems like I finally ran out of RUN.

Tomorrow looks interesting. Coffee is out- BUT I have the excitement of an 8am dentist appointment, a field trip, a late start school drop off, 3 more dentist appointments and a mini mental melt down ... just in time to RUN home make dinner and rush out for more baseball.

I probably could use a nap... if the insomnia would cut me some slack. :)

Maybe that Coffee needs to get back in there.

What day is it?

2010-05-11T18:58:00.000-07:00

Sitting at home on my ample arse... I have come to realize that I am already starting to have trouble figuring out what day it is. Thank goodness for the lower left corner of my computer screen- or the monkees would be stranded at practice, dropped off at school too early (or late!) appointments would be missed and I would feel like an even bigger waste of space than I do already.

I escaped to Borders last night to search for a NCLEX (nursing Boards exam) review book. I figured buying the book and having it in my physical presence would help me feel like I had some sort of control over the scary test experience. After I spent $60 bucks on it (and another $40 on "fun books" to bribe myself into studying with) the confidence I was hoping to buy.... still no where to be found.

The run for the Borders was perfectly timed though- I ran into my fellow graduate (and anxiety riddled buddy) doing the same thing. Ahhh stress is what brings us together... crippling fear keeps us huddled together.

I did manage to be social enough (from my couch in my PJs at 3 in the afternoon) to make a tentitive coffee date for Thursday... I havent gotten to visit with her in a year. Yea- I can do that :)

Another Monday~

2010-05-10T19:47:00.001-07:00

Back to the blog. I am more than a little out of practice- (and I just watched Julie/ Julia) so the blogging bug is back.

And without the semi constant grown-up people interaction I have become accustomed to- I am a wee bit lonely. Stir crazy. Lost. Maybe talking to myself (or to you!!) will help me maintain some shred of sanity.

Maybe.

THIS will give me a little but of daily responsibility. Some structure in my suddenly unstructured existence. Something to check off of the ever present "list."

Ahhhh. now what to write about??

Wow~

2010-05-09T17:39:00.000-07:00

Somehow- I actually did it. I survived 2 years of kids, family drama, and full time nursing school. Wow.

I couldn't have done it without a LOT of help from my friends and my family- and the poor little kiddies having to go to bed early so I could cram in an hour or two of studying. I was very lucky to have been in the class I was in- they are some of the best people I know... AND you all are LUCKY to have nurses like us, be there to take care of you!

So now that the shock of the accomplishment is wearing off- and before I dive back into the books so I can study for the State Boards- I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. And who am I anyway if Im not the over scheduled, sleep deprived, running out the door for a 12 hours hospital shift... if Im not doing those things?

Never a dull moment- but I keep thinking I should be working on 12 simultaneous projects... just to feel "normal."

But I think I need (deserve) an nap first- don't you? :)

Graduation~

2010-03-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

2 years that have seemed to take a lifetime. BUT its almost over. Today was the last day of Community Health- and soon practicum will start. I have been getting some crap about slacking on this site, but DEAL WITH IT!! :) I've been a bit busy. LOL. hahahaha ... yeaa... There is a lot I have completed, more I need to do. TONS of things I WANT to do... Soon People Soon. Thanks for hanging in there- May 2, 2010 can't come soon enough. I might even have a chance to get to know all those short people who live in my house. Maybe. They are kinda weird.

Thanksgiving Vacation??

2009-11-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

Why is it that on my "vacation week" I have more to do than on the non-vacation weeks?

That just don't seem right!!

I have more school work to finish up, loose ends to tie up, way too much food to eat than I ought to :)

But its still vacation if I can do most of it in my pajamas, right?

Elizabethtown

2009-11-15T10:26:00.000-08:00

I found a new favorite movie... And have completely fallen in love with the soundtrack.

Santa... if your reading... :)

The good life~

2009-11-15T10:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had an anxiety attack. Actually a couple of them. And my friends were there for me, even with out me having to ask- they were just there.

Again. Like always. I should realize that by now.

But it still amazes me that I can actually count on people. I seem to try so hard to do it all on my own, afraid that if I don't do it, it won't happen. I really should know better- some of these Ladies I have come to depend on have become some of the best friends I have ever known. I know I would do anything for them, and they have proven (time and time, crisis after crisis) that they are there for me too.

I guess old habits die hard.

To say I feel lucky. Blessed. Honored. Is like saying that the sun is a little bright, that water is a little wet, and that I have a "few" kids.

So bring it on world... (not really, please!!) but if it does I know that I can deal. I am not alone, and that my Ladies are there for me. It will be ok.

busy? Who me?!?!

2009-11-14T10:06:00.000-08:00

To say things have been crazy around here would be a huge understatement.

Every day ( or so it seems) I think about how I really should get back to this site and write. The little vents here seem to help keep me grounded, keep me sane, and as close to normal as I can possibly get.

But then LIFE, and occassionally sleep get in the way and I keep putting it off. Geeze- what the H was I thinking?! This is SO much cheaper than therapy!!

I am down to about 3 weeks left of my first senior semester... and and terrified that I should be graduating in May. Really? Realllllly? I still don't think I know enough of anything... and I am at the point where I don't even trust my own health to my judgement let alone anyone elses. But I am sure I will be fine... thats what the voices keep telling me :)

But right now- things are a mess. Nothing seems right. Anxiety attacks are back. Health issues, family crisis' seem to happen at the exact same time as finals and evaluations. The kids' school stuff is in direct conflit with the time management of my school stuff... and it woul sbe SOOOO nice to be making some money rather than just living off the financial aid.

I feel like there is never enough of anything to take care of what I feel like I should be taking care of. Not enough time, energy, money, forethought, emotion, intelligence, me. I feel like I am doing a pathethic attempt at way too much and failing at it all.

But I KNOW that it won't always be this way. That things will get easier, get batter... sometime. My damn arms are getting tired... and I would love to know when that sometime will be.

Back To School

2009-09-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

I went back on the 24th, and the kids started up on the 31st. Craziness times 8.

Throw in the usual family drama that happens the beginning of every school year and I have been a basket case. More than usual, more than I'd like too. I think I was too focused on the Curse of the Birthday, that I forgot about the Going Back To School Freak Out.

But what is a girl to do but keep busy and keep on keeping on? It will get better- or I will get used to it!!

I am really looking forward to this semester- mother/baby and peds. I really think this is where I want to be, and will be finding out how well it fits very soon :) --- Its good to have something to look forward too!!

Birthdays

2009-08-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

...Are evil. I hate mine. As far back as I can remember, I have loathed the day. When I was little- I would be sick. Anxiety, nerves, what ever you wanted to call it. It all came down to me and throwing up.

Ahhh memories.

Then I grew up, and things got worse. Worse?! OH yea, worse. Any form of bad news, abandonment, major financial trauma... guess when it happened? You got it.

Yea Me. I have gotten so I HATE the dreaded day, would rather curl up and sleep through it, but I haven't been that fortunate. So I sit and wait for the next major catastrophe... hoping it will skip a year.

Cross your fingers.

I will be.

Saturday

2009-08-15T10:50:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the weekends are harder than the week days? My vote is for the lack of continuity- the pace is slower and everyone is thrown off of their daily rituals.

And every one is home hovering around mommy hoping she will entertain (and constantly feed) them all. RIGHT. NOW.

Booooo....

B's

2009-08-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

My one child who is allergic to bees, got stung. Again. Like he's a bee magnet!

I would post photos of his last scrape with them... but its scary. This go-round he only was hit once. On the wrist. Much better than on the face, but still not pleasant. So yesterday, when he was attacked- his spot swelled up a little. Not too bad, the ice and benedryl helped a lot. Still, I sat- Epi-pen at the ready just in case.

This morning he wakes up with his whole fore arm swollen, and starts throwing up.

Nothing like an early morning dash to the Docs... where more Benedryl (and get the kids an ice cream would ya?! He's been through a lot!!) were suggested. 15 minutes of a movie and a 4 hour nap later- I think he just might survive.

The bees anyway-

2 weeks

2009-08-12T13:49:00.000-07:00

I head back to campus in 2 weeks. All I have to show for this summer is a sunburn, a few extra pounds, and a huge stack of fluff books that have kept me from complete insanity.

I currently am looking forward to the stress and frenzy of back to school shopping for the kids, re-arranging 8+ schedules, and trying to figure out how to afford it all. Financial aid is a great thing... but it sucks getting it THE DAY BEFORE classes start. Nothing like the last nimute rush! haha. Ha.

Throw all that in with the fact that my hubbys mood swings are totally confusing, and I rarely KNOW if/ when he is coming home. Or leaving. Or working. Or anything.

Ahh the nightmare of a life long obnoxious organizer. Welcome!

Sunny summer Sunday

2009-08-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

Nothing like waking up after a pretty cruddy day to a bunch of grouchy. Just when I started to feel like pulling myself off the couch from the fetal postion, WOW.

The emotional rollercoaster I call life- Is about more than I can handle.

Anyone know where the pause button is?

bummer of a day

2009-08-07T18:32:00.000-07:00

I spent all morning in a mood. Not really mad or sad or anything I could put my finger on- just blah. Curl up on the couch and wishing someone would just hug and hold me.

I went to the dr with my oldest daughter, and that took up a huge chunk of the day. Came home and made dinner... and went out with the hubby for a kid free meal.

but I am still in a fog.

bummer.

Rain

2009-08-06T13:48:00.001-07:00

Finally- we got a little relief from the scorching heat here in the Pacific Northwest. Its been ... warm to say the least. I had forgotten how much I love the rain- the sounds, and smells of it. I just feel like a totally different person.

Way back (in ancient times) I lived in Georgia. Land of perpetual green-ness. It rained every day I was there, and I LOVED it. Felt like a fresh start, a new beginning. Hope. Everyday.

I know its weird, a lot of people think grey, cold, depressing. It just makes me happy. Nothing better than a rainy day, a big window to watch it. Cozy up on the couch with a hot cup of cocoa, a thick blanket and a fluffy book. Creamy potato soup on the stove and fresh bread baking up in the oven.

Heaven on earth? Pretty close if you ask me.

Schedules

2009-08-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

I just got my schedule for my classes, and now get to try and sort out the notorious Kid Shuffle. Actually, I like the logistics part of being a mom- I feel like I have a little control by keeping on top of whats going on.

Mine starts a week before they all head back- and I am sure it will be crazy... the typical chaos that I have been missing this summer.

Busy is good- I seem to be able to get more accomplished if I have a lot of things to take care of rather than having an open schedule. I don't seem to know what to do with myself :)

Blue

2009-08-02T11:05:00.000-07:00

I feel lonely. Alone. Like no one understands or gets me. I am surrounded by 7 of the best people in the world, and I still cry. I worry, I feel inadequate. I feel taken advantage of and disregarded. I feel empty. I feel responsible. I feel like I do what has to be done, and there is no room for anything else. Pressure. Blah. Nothing.

I can't sleep, my mind won't slow down. I don't understand. I am hurt. I am lost.

I don't write, because it hurts. I don't talk because what is there to say? So I try and hold on. Waiting for a tomorrow that will be not much different than today. The struggle, the tired, the confused, the same.

Here I am.

2009-05-05T19:10:00.000-07:00

Unbelievable!! I think I just survived my Junior year of nursing school!!! Come on Summer Break!!

Still hanging on

2009-04-06T22:08:00.001-07:00

Till my fingers can't hange on any longer :)

I have 4 weeks left od school this semester. The kids are all healthy (knock knock) and I am still hanging in there. I am SOOOoooo done with school- spring break was rough. To have just enough time to start liking the less structured, not too much homework to think, spending time with the kids and just being able to breathe... and then having to jump back into the madness.

They swore that the first semester was going to be the hardest... then it would get better. I think they lied. It doesn't get better- you just get used to it!!

I am very ready for a "mom break." Just a chance to step back and be completely lazy and self absorbed... just for a few days. Try and figure out who I am, rather than just being everybodies mom. I'm a little burnt out on having to be the "responsible one" all the time. Just a night out would be a wonderful treat.

BUT until May 5 (at 3:30pm) I am stuck with the books and the paperwork... and the knowledge that I will be half way through.

AND I found out I have my scholarship renewed! Yea me- 'cause seriously... the cost of tuition and daycare and books and the extra fees and the equipment... is about $30,000 a year. With out the 'ship, I'd be up a creek.

Just another reason to get back to the text books...

It's over.

2009-03-22T18:56:00.001-07:00

All the fun and excitement- well the LACK of- is about to come to a screeching halt.

Tomorrow- classes start again. I am finding it really REALLY had to find anything to be excited about going back. I know just what I have left to do, how much work and time it will take, AND now have the refreshed memory of what it is like to NOT have to deal with it.

I think having the week off spoiled me- I got to go for walks with the kids, hang out with the hubby, find creative reasons for not cleaning the house or doing the laundry. As opposed to not doing them because I was too damn busy.

Too busy to breathe, think, live.

I have managed to somehow squeeze "eat" into the schedule though. Go Me!!

I HEART FaceBook

2009-03-21T13:50:00.000-07:00

Its like a class reunion with the people you really want to talk to! lol

Anywho- back here in "the real world" the countdown to classes has started. I was starting to enjoy the lack of RUN my usual week contained. Being able to walk the kids to the bus, or go visiting when ever... was nice. I was still obnoxiously busy- ummm still have 7 shorter-than-me people to shuffle around! But I could get used to the couch and bon-bon life. haha- like its ever been a couch and bon-bon life!!

I did get a little done, got to attend all of the kids' conferences (and survived!) had lunch with the Hubby, hung out at my moms, cleaned out the girls dresser... and dropped off a ton of stuff at Goodies. I think I probably got most of it there in the first place!

Back to the grind... and grind and grind. After I check FB one more time!!

Spring break? haha

2009-03-18T14:15:00.000-07:00

So I'm half way through the Spring break that wasn't. I had 4 conferences, 2 doctors appointments and an obnoxious amount of assorted errands. No rest for the weary, right?

I often think that they shouldn't really call it a break- because we end up doing more than we would on a non-break week. It might not be the SAME stuff- but because its a little different, there are more schedules to shuffle, meals and activities to figure up... Break is SOOOOOoooooo misleading!

Have a "regular week" and then the kids have their very own spring "non"break.

I can barely contain my excitement.

Still pondering...

2009-03-14T17:14:00.000-07:00

I am still THINKING about changing the picture up top... then again a trip to the ocean might be good too. I am so tired, I can't even think straight- but I do have a lot of good intentions!

I am officially on my spring break from classes which enevitably means I will be ill. Or multiple children will be. THis go round, it looks like I scored the brunt. Yea me.

But I WANTED to finish the bathroom remodel, de-clutter the garage/ closet/ everywhere, get ahead on my homework, visit with my ladies, and breathe. I would settle for breathing right now.

My turn.

2009-03-13T11:35:00.001-07:00

Rarely does mom get a chance to whine and complain about being sick and miserable. I am sooooo wanting to take this opportunity to curl up on the couch and be waitied on by my loving children and husband. You know- not like I have taken care of them when they were feeling a little under the weather...

Yea... thats not going to happen. I will sit and whine (but nobody cares!!) and I will make my own soup, and had to buy my own 7-up. Thats just wrong!! wrong wrong wrong!

Ohhh my head.

2009-03-12T18:54:00.000-07:00

It has been a week. Thats about as nice as I can put it.

First the kids all get the crud... and the rashy that followed. I get the fever, and then feel better... but am considered contageous and am "banned" from clinical. (which means more paperwork for me)... THEN they start all over again!

1 kid with a fever, another throwing up, 2 with weird rashes and another without her voice. Me, Im curled up on the couch with a pounding headache and a stuffed up head.

We are a pathetic lot.

Confessions of a FaceBook addict

2009-03-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am still trying to figure out who to blame for my newest addiction. Like coffee wasn't bad enough! FaceBook has definately gotten its grip on me.

Its kinda nice to be able to keep in touch- see whats going on, and reconnect with people from eons ago- I like the pictures and the dorky little comments. Like MySpace... but for grown ups!! This blog is nice and mainly theraputic for my insanity, but on FB I get more feedback. It gets lonesome talking to yourself all the time!!

AND it helps to keep me awake in some of the more tedious lectures :)

Battle wounds

2009-03-10T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have been fighting the Crud that has been making its rounds... but lost miserably. Spring break (for me) is next week- and usually the little virus/bacteria/ crappy bug thing nails me then. Not so lucky this time.

The kids have all had something...fever, nausea, sleeping for obnoxious amounts of time...and I finally figured out what it was. FAN-freaking-TASTIC. This is what my week off will consist of.

http://kidshealth.org/parent/infections/skin/fifth.html

Yea- anything that is refered to as "Slap Face Rash" is wonderful.

Spring Forward?

2009-03-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

Time changes throw off the mojo. Here it is, MARCH already!! and this time change is just another reminder of how much I really am oblivious too. Way too fast- its a big blur.

I am going to have to do something about that photo up top... it makes me sad- wishing for the summer warmth... so either it comes down- or I get a trip to the beach. Even cold and rainy, a beach trip is always a good one.

Its about time to take another no-kids weekend. I would almost be happy with a few days under a rock somethere, but a trip with the hub would be dreamy. A break from reality- from homework and sick and clingy kiddos. Laundry and "whats for dinner?!"

But until I can pull one from the magic hat; I will continue my trudge, on with the tread.

Another long weekend of too much homework, no confidence in what I have learned, "what ifs" and "why did I's" can drag an exhausted woman down. And down is not a fun (or productive) place to be.

Yet here I am again.

Oh Saturday

2009-03-07T15:21:00.000-08:00

Saturday is turning into another Thursday, or Friday around here. A house full of sick shorties and WAY too much homework for a sane woman to deal with.

Probably a good thing that nobody considers me sane :)

March??! FIFTH!!!

2009-03-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

How can it be the fifth of March already?! I really dont get it. Just last week it was Christmas, and now March?!

Keep thinking I missed something when I blinked.

Spent the last few days in a haze of homework, house cleaning, clinical (more homework), baking and frantically trying to figure out where to stach all my stock piles... because company was a coming.

Honestly, we don't get manu guests... (I think the kids scare them off)but Hubby had a friend and his family stay with us while they were visiting. I was running around crazy trying to get the house ready, threaten the kids about their behavior, do my homework, go to school, be less than an incompetent hostess.

My poor crock pot"s". Yes, I have to have multiple ones... and thats just for my family. Add in 5 or so more... thats a lotta crock-pottin'.

They were great, my kids behaved, but I'm exhausted. Even my exhaustion is exhausted. Too tired to sleep is just WRONG from every direction.

Sooooo, now I am couch bound. With a fever:baby on my lap... trying to catch up with out moving more than necessary. I did get up and do laundry and dishes when she was put on the couch- but that didn't last too long. You CAN walk into the house to the kitchen... and the trail winds back to the bathroom... so we should be covered until the kids get home from school.

And these are the days of my life. Busy beyone all recognition, counting down until (my) Spring break... where I can sleep in until 6am... and the Laundry fairies come to help with the house work. Where DOES the time go?

hey

2009-03-01T20:22:00.000-08:00

Quick shout out-- Hi to my Aunt :)

We are all here and still surviving! Kids are big and fine. They haven't driven me crazy (completely anyway!!)

Just wanted to say hey- thanks for checking in!! I do promise to keep writing, and Im sorry for the info black out~

Talk to you all soon~~

What do we do???

2009-02-28T12:36:00.001-08:00

Breathe

2009-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

Wow- that picture on the header is OLD! The kids look nothing like that anymore. In my free time (haha) I'll have to get some more recent ones up there for you.

I figured I would take a second or two to try and breathe before shipping the kids outside and working like a crazy woman on the PILE of papre work that is sitting here all around me- closing in- stealing my air.

DESPERATELY in need of some caffeinated liquid fortitude. LOTS and lots of it.

I have so much to do, and so much else going on- I am having trouble figuring out where to start. Anxiety- what a vicious circle!! I have heard that it is good to remember to breathe, so I will try.

Don't hold it against me~

2009-02-27T08:55:00.000-08:00

Hello- yes, it really is me. The kids haven't had me tied up- but it sometimes feels that way.

School has been taking every last ounce of my energy... between homework, kids, dinner, laundry, and clinical- I rarely know what day it is anymore. I have missed writing here- it was my sanity. Since I have become sanity free :) IM BACK!!!

I know I KNOW!!

2008-11-05T11:18:00.000-08:00

It is already November. NOVEMBER people!!

I can't believe it- I have no idea where the time has gone. Other than obnoxious amounts of homework, and 6 "professional quality" papers I have been beating my head against. Seriously- if I had had the notion that I would have to write +30 page paperS (MORE THAN ONE) I would have reconsidered my choice of profession.

"What the hell was I thinking??" has become the mantra.

Ha ha- you would have thought with 7 kids, that would have been the motto LONG ago!!- No one ever said I was quick!!

Aside from going bat-sh** crazy, whats been going on out there in Blog Land? I feel completely out of the loop, I am gossip-less, out of touch, and stressed out. I can occasionally remember what day it is- and was doing ok with the time until the time change.

Being in school full time has changed things around here. My attention span is non-existent. The house is a mess (but thats pretty typical), Hamburger Helper has been sustaining life- (which drives me nuts, but the kids will actually eat it- and its fast- and they EAT it.) I have also realized that I am more (spazzy) scattered, distracted, blonde... now what was I saying ??? :)

I have transformed into a hypochondriac- all the weird disease, syndromes, or conditions... I have them. I swear I do.

The kids have all been pretty healthy- and ornery. Halloween was a blur- I will try and get pictures posted, but wont make any promises. There were witches, mad scientists (mad because he wanted to be a vampire, but couldn't pull a costume together- so he got what he got). We had a dragon (with garlic breath) and 3 buzzing bees. I never would have thought about being a Bee for Halloween, but evidently its pretty popular. Going on 3 years at our house- but I have weird kids. YEA!! I DID post something!!!

Thanksgiving is coming up fast- Mom in Law is going to come up!!That will be nice, we don't get to see her very often. The bad thing about turkey day is that Christmas follows WAY too fast after that.

I cant hardly comprehend that Halloween is over- where did summer go?! And I have not a clue about Christmas- way to much to do and never enough time to do it in.

If this nursing thing doesn't work out, I will have to really look into the caffeine IV, and cloning. 2 very good ideas that are discussed A LOT in nursing school!!

Speaking of caffeine, mine is starting to wear off and the lecture lady is about ready to start up again... I will try to get back here more often. Its nice to (pretend) to talk to grownups out there :)

Yes, its me. Is it you?

2008-10-02T20:59:00.000-07:00

So I've been gone awhile. What- did you miss my whining or something?!

I have been trying to survive. School, kids, Kids'school, life in general. It has been a struggle. A lot harder than I thought, or expected, in ways I never thought of. There are so many "coping" type statements we keep telling ourselves, trying to trick us into thinking we have a chance at doing this.

Its a PROFESSIONAL program, not a college course. If it were easy EVERYONE would do this. Fake it till you make it. Sleep is for the weak. Coffee is for the exhausted. Sign me up for both.

My current favorite is "you may feel like you are just treading water..."

People usually just kinda stopp talking there, because treading is all we seem to do.

At least I have experience in that department.

JJ attacks!

2008-09-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

The LCOP (Loudest Child On the Planet) has finally begun his formal education.

I warned his teacher... she still didn't have a clue! Seriously, the boy doesn't stop talking. He is loud. Has very firm opinions... and isn't afraid to let you know about them. AND he spent 30 minutes fixing his hair with "here geeel" so he could be handsome with his hair that was both spiked AND mohawked.

Dude was COOL!!!

Way to go Bub... proud of you!!

Family Fun

2008-09-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have been so busy lately I have forgotten a lot of things. Gas, groceries, to eat... I have also had a few near misses. I DID remember to put on pants, the Twinners birthday, and to make the family reunion.

It was so great to see a lot of my cousins again, I have been really really out of touch- and that bothers me. Family is important, and I really should make more of an effort.

Yep, another work in progress... and I will attempt to get at least a photo up, there were short people and flying food EVERYwhere... good times, good times!!

I enjoyed it, and next year I will try to come a little better rested. I hear CornBall is fantastic!!

The terrible 2's

2008-09-13T07:42:00.000-07:00

Why YES, the twinners had a birthday~ thanks for (reminding me) remembering!

They got flowers and balloons from Daddy-O, sent to their classes even!! They got a big pink birthday cake, and got to ride the bus to Grandmas for dinner.

They were spoiled by lavish displays of gifts, bling, stationary, cards, cash, and NEW SHOES!!!!

They said to make sure I wrote about the SHOES. Its all about the SHOES!!!!

I would post photos here, but that would have meant I had to remember to charge the camera, bring the camera, and USE the camera. 3 step process for a currently one step existence... Grandma saved the day :) I'll have to get copies from her~

But it was nice, and good, and they haven't lost or destroyed anything yet... so the birthday was a good one. Happy 9 my ladies~ I am scattered, but I still love ya the mostest!!

I... I will survive. Maybe.

2008-09-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

Hello. My name is Amy. I am a student.

I have always heard that the first step towards recovery is to admit to having a problem.

And Boy Howdy... do I~

School is hard. But really its NOT school (so we have been told) its a "Professional Program. " Which I have come to realize means, more work, more expected... like giving up your life, not remembering to eat... forgetting what your kids look like. Running out of gas because you are too busy to remember to fill up the tank, not to mention having tuition costs (as well as NON tuition but still education related expenses) that keep you from ever wanting to look at your bank account - ever again. No sleep, full on stress about whats going on tomorrow (you can't begin to wrap your over worked mind about anything past tomorrow!) Never being able to "turn your brain off" and second guessing EVERY little tiny thing you do. Is this thinking critically? Did I remember all the steps? Remembering that taking someones vitals DOES NOT counting YOUR pulse rate when you are trying to check someone elses.

I tend to multi task and have the distant pleasure of typically counting BOTH the victim (I meant patient!!! PATIENT!) and my own. Mine is fine in practice, but get an instructor there to check me off- MY half of my the double pulse is usually higher :)

Honestly, I am not a completely inept air head, I just have senior moments "RELATED TO" increased stress, and lack of sleep. Food. sanity.

Exhausted, doesn't begin to cover it. The stress of the "unknown" isn't helping. Doing this mom thing on my own while Daddy-o is off workin' is definitely taking its toll on me. I am here physically, with them... but that is usually the time they are supposed to be sleeping. Heck, they don't even remember what dinner is SUPPOSED to be like, and have starting asking "which box is for dinner" rather than an actual food. And Pizza Hut and I are starting an affair- They deliver. Not that I have "forgotten" that the fridge is empty, or that I ate the last frozen chunk of Totinos in a middle of the night study/ scarf fest....

Is it NORMAL (YES, I know that normal is relative to the baseline...) to forget to eat? Not sleep because you have WAC and RCW statues running through your mind? Or waking up, after drooling all over your lap top... to realize that you have been trying to figure out a nursing diagnosis for Sponge Bobs case if The Suds?!

I tell ya, if they still had a bar across the campus, it would have nursing students living there.

But, scary as it seems, there are moments where I feel like I can actually pull this off. Maybe. There are seconds where this feels like I have been waiting my whole life to feel like I was actually going to be doing something that other people valued, and respected. That when I get old and have to fill out admit paperwork...I will have something to write into the box of "what was your greatest accomplishment." I just want to matter, make a difference... and this feels like the right path. Like this is what I have been supposed to do, and I just figured that out.

I get the bad, the hard, the mind numbing-ness of this program, and as hard as it is (and damn skippy I will be complaining) but the brief flashes of AHHhhh YEA! are amazing. Not quite as invigorating, energizing, or often as I would like...yet... they still show enough glimmer, to tease me just enough, to keep it up.

As long as I can keep my eyes open anyway!