And...Im back.

Last time I braved the blog site, I just filled for Legal Seperation from hubby #2. This time, I have just completed the finalization of that divorce.

My heart still feels like its gone.

Mixed emotions, new stresses, realizing that Im 36. Have 7 kids. 2 divorces. A ton of student loans. Waiting for the next shoe to drop~

Im even more depressed now that I wrote that.

I have good friends and a supportive family, but I still feel like a loser. "If I would have tried harder"..."If I would have been better... different... enough..." But I KNOW I did everything I could. I held on LONGER than I thought I could- or probably should have. But none of that matters now- I am where I am.

Just think of all of those years spent thinking how amazing it would be when we would grow up and be Adults! All the fun, freedom, the excitement... What a total crock. Instead of that I get Laundry! Dishes! Calls from the Principal! and BILLS!

Not to mention stress, stretchmarks, and insomnia.

What a catch I would be.

Here I sit.

Sitting here, in relative quiet thinking about my life.

WTF!!

The kids are cleaning (haha) their rooms, dinner is in the oven and Iron Man 2 is primed and ready to go... and I am here with my heart ripped out.

Papers will be signed tomorrow and off to the courthouse after that. I know I have made the right decisions, but its still a pretty big ouch.

Day off?

The term "day off" is a joke. A fraud. A total tease. A "day off" for a mom? Are you kidding me?!

Got some unexpected news yesterday and now am trying to process it. What to do, how to do it. Have gone from the shock- to the mad. Currently in the PROTECT phase of the process. I hate feeling like I need to do something, in a legal sense, but would feel worse if "the worst" were to happen.

Those monkees of mine are my first priority, every thing else is nothing.

Sick and tired

I am completely...

sick and tired of being sick and tired. Long hours and crappy sleep do not a happy momma make.

And this breathing out of only one side of my face is getting very very old.

Already??

Its Wednesday already- how did that happen?

Back to work at Peds- and I am amazed at how much more I learn every day. You'd think that College would have taught me a lot- but the job has taught me more... and I have only been there a month! Crazy how much I don't know- but it keeps you humble, right?

Like I need another lesson on humble. Or humility, or responsibility, or stress!!

Still a work in progess here trying to get this single, workin' mom- thing down. The kids are happy and I am still afloat- so I must be doing something right. It helps to have good friends and family support.

Especially when they provide orange-chocolates and vanilla vodka :)

Sunday

Was called into work last night- overnighter shift. First on "on my own" for the most part. Wow- do I need to learn to speak spanish!

Mom and Dad offered me nap time... bring the kids over and sleep today- SOOOO nice to get some rest. I dont know if its the bed that is amazing, or knowing I could sleep and the kids would be covered.. but it was lovely. I dont even remembering my head hitting the pillow.

Back in the drind tomorrow- working on the Peds floor. Just when I was starting to get used to the 4th!

I have decided that busy is good. Too busy to worry about all the other crap and focus on the kiddos, and boy am I keeping busy!Doing better- every day... a little better.

Ahhhh Friday!

Today was a good day- I was able to have lunch with My Ladies, which was way over due. Nothing can improve the state of mind like being surrounded by your friends.

We even had movies and ice cream... all my monkees and me.

I can honestly say- I loved every minute of it~ definately a good day. And not a sceond too soon.