Friday, April 27, 2007
Everyone seems to be changing. Moving. Growing. I feel SO left behind! Milestones. Lessons. Friends. Activities. Pursuits. Interests. I seem to have none. I live through people rather than as a people. I'm tired. Bored. Feel useless. Looked over. Not living up to my potential. What ever THAT potential is. Was. All my time and energy is used up long before I have a chance to use it. What would I DO with it anyway? Sit here and complain about not knowing what to do with myself- just with more time to not get anything done? Probably. But that would be soooooo much different from what I am whining about NOW!! Right? I don't know, I have always seemed to be at my best doing a million things at once. I THRIVE on the multi-tasking, list making, making 400 cupcakes AND taking finals type thing. So you'd just about think that having a (messy)house, 7 (or more)kids to mind- let alone the laundry, dishes, errands, groceries...etc...etc... that I would be busy. Content. Satisfied. Not so much. I need a project. A class (or 4.) A job. Outside interaction. A much better schedule. Something! Maybe that's it. I need something that I can do, that makes me feel like ME, not "just" a stay at home wife and mom. I hate that by the way. You can run into people at the store, or picking up kids from school... and they see all the kids. They ask how many. ummm 7. Are they ALL yours? I think so. Then they ask what do I do. I am at home with them. So you do daycare? ummm no, I have 7 kids. Ohhhhhhhhhh (change in attitude here) so you are JUST a stay at home mom? There is no JUST anything. I am hardly ever at home either. Moms do a lot. Moms of many (many many....many) Do a whole lot. It's just not the stuff people respect. It doesn't seem to matter. And evidently, that is what I seem to feel like I am lacking lately. That I matter. More than just for making dinner. And knowing where the keys are. Moms don't get anywhere near the credit, or respect that they deserve. Not in the slightest. And it sucks that, for the moment, I can't seem to give myself that respect either. I know I am a good mom. That I am doing the best I can for the kids. That's why I am here at home with them. Teaching them here at home isn't easy, convenient, or all that much fun. It is a sacrifice- and I do it. For. Them. No one said it was going to be easy, and some times are just harder/ more frustrating than most.