Saturday, November 21, 2009

Thanksgiving Vacation??

Why is it that on my "vacation week" I have more to do than on the non-vacation weeks?

That just don't seem right!!

I have more school work to finish up, loose ends to tie up, way too much food to eat than I ought to :)

But its still vacation if I can do most of it in my pajamas, right?

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I found a new favorite movie... And have completely fallen in love with the soundtrack.

Santa... if your reading... :)

The good life~

Yesterday I had an anxiety attack. Actually a couple of them. And my friends were there for me, even with out me having to ask- they were just there.

Again. Like always. I should realize that by now.

But it still amazes me that I can actually count on people. I seem to try so hard to do it all on my own, afraid that if I don't do it, it won't happen. I really should know better- some of these Ladies I have come to depend on have become some of the best friends I have ever known. I know I would do anything for them, and they have proven (time and time, crisis after crisis) that they are there for me too.

I guess old habits die hard.

To say I feel lucky. Blessed. Honored. Is like saying that the sun is a little bright, that water is a little wet, and that I have a "few" kids.

So bring it on world... (not really, please!!) but if it does I know that I can deal. I am not alone, and that my Ladies are there for me. It will be ok.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

busy? Who me?!?!

To say things have been crazy around here would be a huge understatement.

Every day ( or so it seems) I think about how I really should get back to this site and write. The little vents here seem to help keep me grounded, keep me sane, and as close to normal as I can possibly get.

But then LIFE, and occassionally sleep get in the way and I keep putting it off. Geeze- what the H was I thinking?! This is SO much cheaper than therapy!!

I am down to about 3 weeks left of my first senior semester... and and terrified that I should be graduating in May. Really? Realllllly? I still don't think I know enough of anything... and I am at the point where I don't even trust my own health to my judgement let alone anyone elses. But I am sure I will be fine... thats what the voices keep telling me :)

But right now- things are a mess. Nothing seems right. Anxiety attacks are back. Health issues, family crisis' seem to happen at the exact same time as finals and evaluations. The kids' school stuff is in direct conflit with the time management of my school stuff... and it woul sbe SOOOO nice to be making some money rather than just living off the financial aid.

I feel like there is never enough of anything to take care of what I feel like I should be taking care of. Not enough time, energy, money, forethought, emotion, intelligence, me. I feel like I am doing a pathethic attempt at way too much and failing at it all.

But I KNOW that it won't always be this way. That things will get easier, get batter... sometime. My damn arms are getting tired... and I would love to know when that sometime will be.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Back To School

I went back on the 24th, and the kids started up on the 31st. Craziness times 8.

Throw in the usual family drama that happens the beginning of every school year and I have been a basket case. More than usual, more than I'd like too. I think I was too focused on the Curse of the Birthday, that I forgot about the Going Back To School Freak Out.

But what is a girl to do but keep busy and keep on keeping on? It will get better- or I will get used to it!!

I am really looking forward to this semester- mother/baby and peds. I really think this is where I want to be, and will be finding out how well it fits very soon :) --- Its good to have something to look forward too!!

Monday, August 17, 2009


...Are evil. I hate mine. As far back as I can remember, I have loathed the day. When I was little- I would be sick. Anxiety, nerves, what ever you wanted to call it. It all came down to me and throwing up.

Ahhh memories.

Then I grew up, and things got worse. Worse?! OH yea, worse. Any form of bad news, abandonment, major financial trauma... guess when it happened? You got it.

Yea Me. I have gotten so I HATE the dreaded day, would rather curl up and sleep through it, but I haven't been that fortunate. So I sit and wait for the next major catastrophe... hoping it will skip a year.

Cross your fingers.

I will be.

Saturday, August 15, 2009


Why is it that the weekends are harder than the week days? My vote is for the lack of continuity- the pace is slower and everyone is thrown off of their daily rituals.

And every one is home hovering around mommy hoping she will entertain (and constantly feed) them all. RIGHT. NOW.


Thursday, August 13, 2009


My one child who is allergic to bees, got stung. Again. Like he's a bee magnet!

I would post photos of his last scrape with them... but its scary. This go-round he only was hit once. On the wrist. Much better than on the face, but still not pleasant. So yesterday, when he was attacked- his spot swelled up a little. Not too bad, the ice and benedryl helped a lot. Still, I sat- Epi-pen at the ready just in case.

This morning he wakes up with his whole fore arm swollen, and starts throwing up.

Nothing like an early morning dash to the Docs... where more Benedryl (and get the kids an ice cream would ya?! He's been through a lot!!) were suggested. 15 minutes of a movie and a 4 hour nap later- I think he just might survive.

The bees anyway-

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

2 weeks

I head back to campus in 2 weeks. All I have to show for this summer is a sunburn, a few extra pounds, and a huge stack of fluff books that have kept me from complete insanity.

I currently am looking forward to the stress and frenzy of back to school shopping for the kids, re-arranging 8+ schedules, and trying to figure out how to afford it all. Financial aid is a great thing... but it sucks getting it THE DAY BEFORE classes start. Nothing like the last nimute rush! haha. Ha.

Throw all that in with the fact that my hubbys mood swings are totally confusing, and I rarely KNOW if/ when he is coming home. Or leaving. Or working. Or anything.

Ahh the nightmare of a life long obnoxious organizer. Welcome!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Sunny summer Sunday

Nothing like waking up after a pretty cruddy day to a bunch of grouchy. Just when I started to feel like pulling myself off the couch from the fetal postion, WOW.

The emotional rollercoaster I call life- Is about more than I can handle.

Anyone know where the pause button is?

Friday, August 7, 2009

bummer of a day

I spent all morning in a mood. Not really mad or sad or anything I could put my finger on- just blah. Curl up on the couch and wishing someone would just hug and hold me.

I went to the dr with my oldest daughter, and that took up a huge chunk of the day. Came home and made dinner... and went out with the hubby for a kid free meal.

but I am still in a fog.


Thursday, August 6, 2009


Finally- we got a little relief from the scorching heat here in the Pacific Northwest. Its been ... warm to say the least. I had forgotten how much I love the rain- the sounds, and smells of it. I just feel like a totally different person.

Way back (in ancient times) I lived in Georgia. Land of perpetual green-ness. It rained every day I was there, and I LOVED it. Felt like a fresh start, a new beginning. Hope. Everyday.

I know its weird, a lot of people think grey, cold, depressing. It just makes me happy. Nothing better than a rainy day, a big window to watch it. Cozy up on the couch with a hot cup of cocoa, a thick blanket and a fluffy book. Creamy potato soup on the stove and fresh bread baking up in the oven.

Heaven on earth? Pretty close if you ask me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009


I just got my schedule for my classes, and now get to try and sort out the notorious Kid Shuffle. Actually, I like the logistics part of being a mom- I feel like I have a little control by keeping on top of whats going on.

Mine starts a week before they all head back- and I am sure it will be crazy... the typical chaos that I have been missing this summer.

Busy is good- I seem to be able to get more accomplished if I have a lot of things to take care of rather than having an open schedule. I don't seem to know what to do with myself :)

Sunday, August 2, 2009


I feel lonely. Alone. Like no one understands or gets me. I am surrounded by 7 of the best people in the world, and I still cry. I worry, I feel inadequate. I feel taken advantage of and disregarded. I feel empty. I feel responsible. I feel like I do what has to be done, and there is no room for anything else. Pressure. Blah. Nothing.

I can't sleep, my mind won't slow down. I don't understand. I am hurt. I am lost.

I don't write, because it hurts. I don't talk because what is there to say? So I try and hold on. Waiting for a tomorrow that will be not much different than today. The struggle, the tired, the confused, the same.

Here I am.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Unbelievable!! I think I just survived my Junior year of nursing school!!! Come on Summer Break!!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Still hanging on

Till my fingers can't hange on any longer :)

I have 4 weeks left od school this semester. The kids are all healthy (knock knock) and I am still hanging in there. I am SOOOoooo done with school- spring break was rough. To have just enough time to start liking the less structured, not too much homework to think, spending time with the kids and just being able to breathe... and then having to jump back into the madness.

They swore that the first semester was going to be the hardest... then it would get better. I think they lied. It doesn't get better- you just get used to it!!

I am very ready for a "mom break." Just a chance to step back and be completely lazy and self absorbed... just for a few days. Try and figure out who I am, rather than just being everybodies mom. I'm a little burnt out on having to be the "responsible one" all the time. Just a night out would be a wonderful treat.

BUT until May 5 (at 3:30pm) I am stuck with the books and the paperwork... and the knowledge that I will be half way through.

AND I found out I have my scholarship renewed! Yea me- 'cause seriously... the cost of tuition and daycare and books and the extra fees and the equipment... is about $30,000 a year. With out the 'ship, I'd be up a creek.

Just another reason to get back to the text books...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

It's over.

All the fun and excitement- well the LACK of- is about to come to a screeching halt.

Tomorrow- classes start again. I am finding it really REALLY had to find anything to be excited about going back. I know just what I have left to do, how much work and time it will take, AND now have the refreshed memory of what it is like to NOT have to deal with it.

I think having the week off spoiled me- I got to go for walks with the kids, hang out with the hubby, find creative reasons for not cleaning the house or doing the laundry. As opposed to not doing them because I was too damn busy.

Too busy to breathe, think, live.

I have managed to somehow squeeze "eat" into the schedule though. Go Me!!

Saturday, March 21, 2009

I HEART FaceBook

Its like a class reunion with the people you really want to talk to! lol

Anywho- back here in "the real world" the countdown to classes has started. I was starting to enjoy the lack of RUN my usual week contained. Being able to walk the kids to the bus, or go visiting when ever... was nice. I was still obnoxiously busy- ummm still have 7 shorter-than-me people to shuffle around! But I could get used to the couch and bon-bon life. haha- like its ever been a couch and bon-bon life!!

I did get a little done, got to attend all of the kids' conferences (and survived!) had lunch with the Hubby, hung out at my moms, cleaned out the girls dresser... and dropped off a ton of stuff at Goodies. I think I probably got most of it there in the first place!

Back to the grind... and grind and grind. After I check FB one more time!!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Spring break? haha

So I'm half way through the Spring break that wasn't. I had 4 conferences, 2 doctors appointments and an obnoxious amount of assorted errands. No rest for the weary, right?

I often think that they shouldn't really call it a break- because we end up doing more than we would on a non-break week. It might not be the SAME stuff- but because its a little different, there are more schedules to shuffle, meals and activities to figure up... Break is SOOOOOoooooo misleading!

Have a "regular week" and then the kids have their very own spring "non"break.

I can barely contain my excitement.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Still pondering...

I am still THINKING about changing the picture up top... then again a trip to the ocean might be good too. I am so tired, I can't even think straight- but I do have a lot of good intentions!

I am officially on my spring break from classes which enevitably means I will be ill. Or multiple children will be. THis go round, it looks like I scored the brunt. Yea me.

But I WANTED to finish the bathroom remodel, de-clutter the garage/ closet/ everywhere, get ahead on my homework, visit with my ladies, and breathe. I would settle for breathing right now.

Friday, March 13, 2009

My turn.

Rarely does mom get a chance to whine and complain about being sick and miserable. I am sooooo wanting to take this opportunity to curl up on the couch and be waitied on by my loving children and husband. You know- not like I have taken care of them when they were feeling a little under the weather...

Yea... thats not going to happen. I will sit and whine (but nobody cares!!) and I will make my own soup, and had to buy my own 7-up. Thats just wrong!! wrong wrong wrong!

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Ohhh my head.

It has been a week. Thats about as nice as I can put it.

First the kids all get the crud... and the rashy that followed. I get the fever, and then feel better... but am considered contageous and am "banned" from clinical. (which means more paperwork for me)... THEN they start all over again!

1 kid with a fever, another throwing up, 2 with weird rashes and another without her voice. Me, Im curled up on the couch with a pounding headache and a stuffed up head.

We are a pathetic lot.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Confessions of a FaceBook addict

I am still trying to figure out who to blame for my newest addiction. Like coffee wasn't bad enough! FaceBook has definately gotten its grip on me.

Its kinda nice to be able to keep in touch- see whats going on, and reconnect with people from eons ago- I like the pictures and the dorky little comments. Like MySpace... but for grown ups!! This blog is nice and mainly theraputic for my insanity, but on FB I get more feedback. It gets lonesome talking to yourself all the time!!

AND it helps to keep me awake in some of the more tedious lectures :)

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Battle wounds

I have been fighting the Crud that has been making its rounds... but lost miserably. Spring break (for me) is next week- and usually the little virus/bacteria/ crappy bug thing nails me then. Not so lucky this time.

The kids have all had something...fever, nausea, sleeping for obnoxious amounts of time...and I finally figured out what it was. FAN-freaking-TASTIC. This is what my week off will consist of.

Yea- anything that is refered to as "Slap Face Rash" is wonderful.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Spring Forward?

Time changes throw off the mojo. Here it is, MARCH already!! and this time change is just another reminder of how much I really am oblivious too. Way too fast- its a big blur.

I am going to have to do something about that photo up top... it makes me sad- wishing for the summer warmth... so either it comes down- or I get a trip to the beach. Even cold and rainy, a beach trip is always a good one.

Its about time to take another no-kids weekend. I would almost be happy with a few days under a rock somethere, but a trip with the hub would be dreamy. A break from reality- from homework and sick and clingy kiddos. Laundry and "whats for dinner?!"

But until I can pull one from the magic hat; I will continue my trudge, on with the tread.

Another long weekend of too much homework, no confidence in what I have learned, "what ifs" and "why did I's" can drag an exhausted woman down. And down is not a fun (or productive) place to be.

Yet here I am again.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Oh Saturday

Saturday is turning into another Thursday, or Friday around here. A house full of sick shorties and WAY too much homework for a sane woman to deal with.

Probably a good thing that nobody considers me sane :)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

March??! FIFTH!!!

How can it be the fifth of March already?! I really dont get it. Just last week it was Christmas, and now March?!

Keep thinking I missed something when I blinked.

Spent the last few days in a haze of homework, house cleaning, clinical (more homework), baking and frantically trying to figure out where to stach all my stock piles... because company was a coming.

Honestly, we don't get manu guests... (I think the kids scare them off)but Hubby had a friend and his family stay with us while they were visiting. I was running around crazy trying to get the house ready, threaten the kids about their behavior, do my homework, go to school, be less than an incompetent hostess.

My poor crock pot"s". Yes, I have to have multiple ones... and thats just for my family. Add in 5 or so more... thats a lotta crock-pottin'.

They were great, my kids behaved, but I'm exhausted. Even my exhaustion is exhausted. Too tired to sleep is just WRONG from every direction.

Sooooo, now I am couch bound. With a fever:baby on my lap... trying to catch up with out moving more than necessary. I did get up and do laundry and dishes when she was put on the couch- but that didn't last too long. You CAN walk into the house to the kitchen... and the trail winds back to the bathroom... so we should be covered until the kids get home from school.

And these are the days of my life. Busy beyone all recognition, counting down until (my) Spring break... where I can sleep in until 6am... and the Laundry fairies come to help with the house work. Where DOES the time go?

Sunday, March 1, 2009


Quick shout out-- Hi to my Aunt :)

We are all here and still surviving! Kids are big and fine. They haven't driven me crazy (completely anyway!!)

Just wanted to say hey- thanks for checking in!! I do promise to keep writing, and Im sorry for the info black out~

Talk to you all soon~~

Saturday, February 28, 2009

What do we do???


Wow- that picture on the header is OLD! The kids look nothing like that anymore. In my free time (haha) I'll have to get some more recent ones up there for you.

I figured I would take a second or two to try and breathe before shipping the kids outside and working like a crazy woman on the PILE of papre work that is sitting here all around me- closing in- stealing my air.

DESPERATELY in need of some caffeinated liquid fortitude. LOTS and lots of it.

I have so much to do, and so much else going on- I am having trouble figuring out where to start. Anxiety- what a vicious circle!! I have heard that it is good to remember to breathe, so I will try.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Don't hold it against me~

Hello- yes, it really is me. The kids haven't had me tied up- but it sometimes feels that way.

School has been taking every last ounce of my energy... between homework, kids, dinner, laundry, and clinical- I rarely know what day it is anymore. I have missed writing here- it was my sanity. Since I have become sanity free :) IM BACK!!!