Saturday, June 28, 2008

light bulb moment

Like many a Mom with way too much going on, I recently had a light bulb moment regarding my personal state of constantly frazzled craziness. The phrase “If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it” seems to fit me a whole lot better than I’d like to admit.

My days are spent running around like the proverbial chicken, but somehow (knock wood) I manage to keep things rolling. (Please don’t ask me how- If I could put it into words, I’d sell it and be hanging out on a beach with a Margarita. Or 4) In all my craziness, I somewhere discovered my rhythm, found the groove, that carries me through. I am so much more productive on the days were a sane person wouldn’t try and squeeze in anything more (but I do) than I am on days where I don’t have much of anything to do.

Evidentially I have two speeds. “Warp,“ and “stuck on the couch.” Neither of which would I recommend for long term personal joy and/ or satisfaction.

Because of our obnoxiously complex schedules and multi tasking Mom-duties, we are sadly solitary. We (I) take on too much, and have severe delegation issues. Did I say that out loud? And who in their right mind would volunteer to tag along for all this high speed, high stress daily dose of insanity? NOBODY. So we run alone. Dragging the kids to this place or that, errands, appointments, groceries, and “hey I forgot my...” It’s all a very delicately balanced act, but also a terribly solo existence.

I have managed to find a few blogging moms on line who, like me, live the psycho over drive life style. We all seem to share the same craziness, and we are all so accustomed to it being ‘the norm” that we fear and dread the Uncomfortable Silence.

Seriously, what are we supposed to DO? Switching from warp to stalled, is something so foreign- that it is one (of the very few I might say) things I know I am never prepared for. I for one, deal with these rare instances BADLY. Like anxiety attack badly.

Without a schedule, a plan, a timeframe, I am like a lost little kid. Deer in the headlights. I freak and freeze. Somewhere along the lines I must have missed class that day. I have no idea what I like- I can tell you every one else's favorites (and shoe sizes.) My interests? Ummm getting to the appointments on time and to Walmart before 10 am? Does that count? Once upon a time I think I might have known what to do on a free day- but ask me now-and all you will get is a blank stare. I really don’t have a clue.

Have you all seen those stop smoking commercials? Where people are trying to relearn how to do things all over again, because they just can’t manage doing them with out a cigarette in their hand? That's me on a schedule free day. Completely unable to function as a human being. Short of steady string of drool running down my chin. But just barely.

Maybe Moms like me subconsciously choose to isolate them selves. Not thinking people can keep the pace on our mad dash through the day, and scared of looking like the next admitee into the nut factory when we hit a spot of unscheduled “down time?” Or maybe we just get frustrated hearing how “moms need to take time for them selves” and knowing that we suck at it.

Quite frankly I have gotten into the car and been sent on my merry little way by people with the best intentions- thinking they are giving me a break. A break would be assistance with out asking. Being sent out...on my own... is like a slow and evil form of torture. I would end up driving around in circles or sitting in Walmarts parking lot just wondering if I had been away long enough to qualify as having taken some "me time."

Either way, running (or not) hectic (or couch bound) moms run this marathon for the most part, on their own.

Sure, all the other moms are out there running around like crazy too- but we very rarely manage to be moving in the same direction at the same time. We get the abbreviated version of a social life- the brief bump into's and the mutual pick-up times are about all we mere mortals can muster. Yep, we are productive multi-tasking quasi-organized personal assistants, food servers, laundry washers and cab drivers... but we have not quite figured out how to keep it from being such a solitary way to go.

Uncomfortable Silence

Moms tend to live a fairly solitary existence. Sounds strange doesn't it? How can you have a house full of people, but feel alone? Or having a herd of kids around you 24/7... and having no one to talk to.

But it couldn't be more true.

I have a herd, 7 of the loveliest Monkees around, but rarely have someone to converse with. Sure there is a lot of talking AT, but it's just not the same. There is no give and take, no exchange of ideas, no swapping of information. It mostly consists of whining from one, or both, sides of the verbal swap-age.

This lack of "conversation" kind of goes along with our twisted defining of "quiet ." I know around here, there are a few variations- I guess it's all relative. There is the normal "quiet" which, for me, is the everyday regular level of back ground noise. Kids chattering, computer clicking, swamp cooler blowing...Life noises.

There is "too quiet" which is where there should be kids noises, but there aren't . NADA. This is a direct indication that someone has, is, or will be in a moment... something they don't want Mom to find out about. "Too quiet" is a bad thing.

Next is the "Uncomfortable Silence" variation. I am not talking about that awkward pause in the conversation where someone has just asked if ALL those are my kids, and I have replied yes- that's not uncomfortable, just a little weird. For the asker. The "Uncomfortable Silence" is the rare occasion in which Mom is alone. No kids, no agenda, no errands, NADA.

This is the Scary Quiet. The Uncomfortable Silence. The Twilight Zone Quiet. Being hard wired into Mom mode- any deviation from the normal hyper-speed “gotta get it done” throws off my whole groove. I really don’t know how to deal with it, and don’t know anyone who can help me get through it. Uncomfortable Quiet, really just emphasizes how solitary the life of a Mom can be.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Two cups of coffee and still in a fog

I hate mornings like this. Where you have the world running circles around you, but the sludge in your brain keeps anything from coming in clear. Loud, I have... the clear part needs a little assistance. Where all the daily sounds seems too big.

But without the luxury of "Moms calling in sick" days, I must deal.

Just hanging on until the coffee kicks in~

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The summer of countdowns and questions

Why does it seem like my summer is compiled of counting and countdowns?

How many days have you spent at home vs at grandmas?

How many movies have we watched?

How many minutes until lunch? Can I have a snack now then?

How many times are you going to ask me the same question?

How many times do we listen to the same story, deal with the same eye rolls, listen to the same argument?

How many days until school starts? And how long can I maintain my composure while I wait?

Monday, June 23, 2008

How can sleeping make you MORE tired?

I actually went to bed (at a human enough time) and work up (on my own without kid/ dog interruption) and I think I am MORE tired today than I have been all week long.

Had my 2nd round of immunizations this morning.

Load the kids up, drive across town, call the glass repair dude, get poked in the arm, groceries (and deciding if tomoatos were worth the risk AND the price) and home to sit on the couch with my bon bons.

The headaches a brewin'... must be a Monday.