Read at your own Risk~

It has come to my attention that there are some people offended (or upset or pick your own "not happy" word) by my postings here. If you don't want to read it- don't! Nobody is making you- really.

I write here for ME. If you want to know about the things I think about, my worries, my fears, my frustrations, my joys, my ways to cope- you are welcome to read. I don't write for your pleasure or approval. Im tired of trying to please everyone at my expense. Im way to old, too tired, and too busy to deal with that drama. Anymore.

And if you don't agree with what I am doing, how I am doing it, or who my friends are- or anything else I choose ... that may be part of the reason we aren't together. I don't owe any explainations-

Nobody ever said I was perfect, especially not me. BUT I DO NOT make decisions quickly, or without thought. I am not easy swayed... by everyone else because my opinion does not match with yours. I ALWAYS put the interests of my kids above all else. Period. And I am proud of the friends and family I have that support me in MY decisions- rather than making me feel bad for things.

None of this has been easy. I understand hurt and frustration. I understand hard, and having to live with the consequences of choices. All that matters is that I KNOW I tried to make things work- so hard for so long.

I finally had enough. Im sorry. And I don't have to take the brunt of it anymore.

Murphys whaaaaaaaaat??

Murphy don't got nothing on me :)

Country songs could be written about my life. Books could be written about all the stuff that goes on... but nobody would believe it. And it would all be funny- if it weren't always happening to me!!

After a great Smursday lunch, the van started to steam and spit. A part cracked spraying all my coolant OVER my engine... I thought flames were going to jump out any second. Have to call the Bob Squad to come and save the day.

When they say it takes a village- they were wrong. It takes the awesomeness o My kiddos decided baked potatoes sounded FANTASTIC, do in a little plastic bowl they put a teeny tiny potato, and put that into the microwave for 15 minutes. Neither survived and my house still stinks of burnt plastic. Didnt know how much a potato could look like a chunk of coal before.

Did I mention yet another coffee pot bit the dust?

LOL go figure.

Smursday~

Back in nursing school there was a joke about needing an extra day of the week to get everything. Smushed somewhere between Wednesday and Thursday- Smursday was born.

Smursdays were sacred. They were brief moments in time where Onion Rings were calorie free... Festive beverages were consumed (or in my case discussed with abandon)... and the ranting, venting, whining, gossiping... anything NON school related- was fair game.

I honestly think my sanity was retained by these amazing women. We vary in ages, backgrounds, numbers of children, and practically everything else- but share that 2 year experience that changed us all.

We have tried to get together at least once a month since we graduated- its hard, but important, I think.

We have supported each other through amazing situations and circumstances- I for one dont think I would have tried to work things out in my marriage as long as I did with out them... I know I wouldn't have had the strength to end it with out there constant support either. They were there for me, and I hope I have been the same to them as well.

Thanks for the lunch ladies~ I love you, and can't wait til next time.

And the verdict is...

Not asthma!!

I have been having breathing issues since September- Bronchitis, sinus congestion, shortness of breath, wheezing, blue fingertips, allergies.... 2 ER trips, 7 to the Doc...nebulizers,steroids, 5 different inhalers (that never seemed to work)and 3 different types of antihystamines...

I FINALLY got to see a specialist... to diagnose the asthma every one was sure I had...

Uhhh NOPE.

No wonder the inhalers weren't helping!!

always some drama.

How goes the old saying... a nice guy finishes last? They must not have meet a nice girl- we come up waaaaaay after that.

No matter how hard you try, or what you do- it never seems like enough. Or the right thing. Or it could have been dealt with better. Or I wouldn't have done it that way... Life can certainly seem like a NO WIN sometimes.

The crappiest part is that the people you most care about- have the unfortunate distinction of being the very same ones that can hurt you the worse. Push JUST the right buttons. And make you feel like hell for even trying/caring in the first place.

I'm not saying I want to win- if anybody ever wins... Other than Charlie of course- haha...but it would be amazing not to feel like dead last all the time.

Happy

Nothing like a marathon phone call, old memories, and a lot of giggles to make you forget your stress and lets you just be in the moment- and happy.

I remember happy...

and I think I liked it :D

Today is another day~

Back to work, busy is always good. Still feel like a newby some times, but days like today- I feel like I have earned my RN. Patients seen, phone calls made, paperwork worked on...running from start to finish- but the feeling of accomplishment is priceless. For a Monday- it weren't too bad.

It is also conference week for the short ones... which means race home from work to try and beat the bus home. Busy week- but then busy is good.

I have re-discovered that I have an amzing support system- and when things are the darkest, its hard to remember that. But they are still there- checking in on me, supporting me, reminding me that I am stronger than I think I am.

Its also nice to have old friends to talk to too- ones that haven't had to live through all my day to day drama- and are just there, and treat me like usual, rather than worrying about me all the time. That is nice to have as well.

The weather is nicer, the kids are running around outside, I have a chance to breathe- Things are looking up.

And its about time.

And...Im back.

Last time I braved the blog site, I just filled for Legal Seperation from hubby #2. This time, I have just completed the finalization of that divorce.

My heart still feels like its gone.

Mixed emotions, new stresses, realizing that Im 36. Have 7 kids. 2 divorces. A ton of student loans. Waiting for the next shoe to drop~

Im even more depressed now that I wrote that.

I have good friends and a supportive family, but I still feel like a loser. "If I would have tried harder"..."If I would have been better... different... enough..." But I KNOW I did everything I could. I held on LONGER than I thought I could- or probably should have. But none of that matters now- I am where I am.

Just think of all of those years spent thinking how amazing it would be when we would grow up and be Adults! All the fun, freedom, the excitement... What a total crock. Instead of that I get Laundry! Dishes! Calls from the Principal! and BILLS!

Not to mention stress, stretchmarks, and insomnia.

What a catch I would be.