Friday, September 21, 2007

it's done.

For those who Told Me So-


I've decided... well, maybe.

So, I am awful. Horrible. Selfish. Petty. Make bad choices. Am the biggest loser on the planet.

If I keep the kids at home- for school... they miss out on the social stuff- which is important. But I am ON all the time. Times 7. EVERYONE wants everything RIGHT NOW. At the same time. So do they stay, or go back?

I have yet to figure a way to clone myself. But then, I'd spend all my time cloning, and still feel hopeless.

I feel like I barely know the baby. The 3 year old RULES the world- and pretty much does. The 6 year old wants NOTHING TO DO with anything... other than bugging his brothers and sisters. The twinners are missing out on their flirt time, and daily trips to the library. Kenny lacks the motivation to do much of anything~ including brush her hair... or wear clothes that match, is constantly crying about missing her friends. The Bill, might actually be ready to go back too.

So, for the most part, I guess they are where they need to be to go back. Which was the whole point. But I feel like I have failed, I'm quitting...because it is hard.

Hard= worth it? Right?

So, fighting with the home schooling program about Speech classes, me going back to college, wishing I had a better relationship with damn near everyone... being stressed out, tired, frustrated... maybe now is the time to cut and run.

I can't remember when I only had 2 at home. At once.

I'm sure I will find something different to worry about then- still find away NOT to have a clean house- those bon bons and couch sessions can take up a lot of time. ha. ha ha. right.

But then I can feel horrible about throwing them back into a system that I took them out of. Feel selfish about going back to school. Just another thing that I couldn't handle.

But then again, if I screwed up... and they should be back in classes- I shouldn't waste anymore time. Maybe things can be better around here. If they aren't stuck with mom all day everyday- my nagging them to do their chores won't seem so contastant. To me anyway. To them it will always be constant.

OMG, what if I could get the two at home to sleep at the same time? I don't know what in the world I would do with myself. Study? Breathe? (insert hubby suggestion of "Clean the sty" here)

SO I am almost, completely, sort of desided. Resigned to the desision?

Guilt if they stay home, guilt if they don't. What should I do... that will screw them up the least possible amount?

Wow. No stress here.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Towel throwing... does that count as a tantrum?

I'm fried. Frustrated. Well, pretty much the same as usual- lately anyway.

Is it wrong to just wish to "wake up" and be stress free? Problems gone? Life peachy? Kinda Stepford like- nice outfit- hair that looks like... umm an actual hairstyle? Fresh cookies in the afternoon... rather than hours on the phones sorting out weird power bills.

I think I am just suffering from information overload. Lots of info. Add in PLENTY of my own opinions on the info... and a heaping ass helping of not being able to do a damn thing about it.

At least in Stepford they have nice shoes. And can smile- and NOT think. AT ALL. Smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod, nod... nod. You never see a Stepford cry... or pitch a fit. EVAH.

I have been informed about a lot of things. And the more I hear, the more I think I must have really flubbed something up. BIG TIME. Like what exactly was I thinking?

I always thought that "if it were easy, everyone would do it." Maybe it's only hard, because I haven't figured it out yet. Or that I was a freaking insane idiot to attempt anything in the first place. Everyone tells me that I must be crazy... Maybe they are right.

The laughing in the background... oh just me again. Waiting for the guys with the white jackets to show up knocking at the door.

Been to town once, and need to head back again. Classes, appointments, groceries, phone calls, bureaucracy, global warming... diapers, temper tantrums. Not just my childrens either~ I think I could toss out a pretty decent one right about now.

I should buy stock in the coffee industry. I swear that THAT is about the only thing that is keeping me going~

Ohhhhh... someones at the door. Did they bring me a jacket?!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Cathing up from Last Week

Ok Ok- I haven't been on in a while. A lot longer than I like to be. It's like my own personal therapy on here. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I am way to screwed up to even put things into words- then they just sit in my brain and ferment.

NOT A GOOD THING. Anywho- Last week was weird. Pre back to school anxiety. Which is weird, because I am the one going back to school. And I have wanted to for a while- so it should be all good right? Maybe. Still worried I will flubber it all up. All being the one class, but its Anatomy/ Physiology. That should scare the poo out of anyone.

But it is just one more thing going on, that I don't have control over. But then I don't really think I have much control over much of anything anyway- so its really just more of the same.

deep breaths, deep breaths. Use that Lamaze garbage for something... it sure didn't work for labor- maybe it will for minor/ major freak outs instead?!

So here is my bottled up mental purge... Everything everyone said or did last week felt like a direct attack, many many things were taken out of context... and interpreted (by me) in the worst ways possible. VERY much over sensitive to EVERYTHING spoken, seen, heard, implied, suggested...

And guess whats worse than being so obnoxiously overwhelmed and boo-hoo-ey? KNOWING that you are, understanding that you are acting in an irrational, screeching, pouting, whining, curl up under a rock and wait for time to pass you by- sort of mood, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BUT SIT AND WATCH IN DISBELIEF.

I have sat and taken it all in, worried and dissected every little snippet of LIFE, hoping the dark cloud I have been under will just go away.

Still waiting.

Only difference this week is that I have busy pouring out of my pores. I don't have time to sit and wonder "what did THAT mean?" I am driving all over taking people everywhere. So now, all my mental self combat gets to happen in the evening. The condensed version.

Yes. I have been trying to get some quiet, non-thinking Me time in.

The laughing you hear in the back ground is me.

Like that happens. Like it would make a difference if it did.

THAT would just give me more time to analyse.

Probably not the best idea.

Well, I can sit and say... I will change things. I will (yada yada yada) and things will be fine. Ehhh. I'm not there yet.

I am unhappy with how I look and feel, what I am doing (what I am NOT doing,) what I SHOULD be doing... and how I should be doing it.

I am tired. I am frustrated.

I am mom. And it aggravates me BEYOND reason that I should be able to handle all this and I can't seem to get my footing.

Back to the dammed treading water- why is that the only thing that can describe this?