Saturday, January 12, 2008

Survivor... College Sciences

Finished up my first week back at school- Fried some bacteria, turned in my Nursing school application- anxiety laden week... and now we're making our way through a teenage over nighter.

Billy has his buddy spending the night... Pizza, Mt Dew, PlayStation3... and giggly little sisters. Clara spent the first 20 minutes standing in front of the friend- just STARING. Poor fella was sitting on the couch, the 3 blondies were hovering... and there was Clara, 3 inches away from his knee- looking at him like he was green with 3 heads.

Welcome to our home... these will be your stalkers.

Made the Saturday morning run to Wally's this morning... broke my "go before 10am!!!" rule... and remembered exactly why I made the rule in the first place. But I had to get the pizza... Billy informed me that Bud (name changed because I am sure something embarrassing will happen- to someone...and without posting his name, I can write ALL ABOUT IT and not feel too guilty about it) was coming at noon, and he liked Hawaiian pizza. Why do I care what Pizza he likes? MOM... anytime we have people over you ALWAYS get pizza. Except grandma... then you just ask her if she wants water or something.

Predictability in my old age? Works for me... at least people know what to expect.

Do you want pepperoni with that?

I have enough kids now that one can become a Dr, one a Lawyer, an Accountant, and still have a few left over to work in the pizza place... and bring me some! Steven thinks they should all work at different places, so we have a menu selection...Some days that sounds like a really really good idea :)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Trudging forward

I think I have the Januaries. Maye. At least I can call it something!

Went to the first class of my night Microbiology class. 6:35-9:35pm. Tuckered by 8, revived by 9... then couldn't get a good nights rest. Again.

Destined to be exhausted, and grumpy :)

Well, I finished up my application packet for Nursing school- turning it in today!! Meet the lady who will be my fill in kid sitter- she seems great. Josh has her boys in line, following him in to trouble- and Clara has a baby crush on the youngest boy. Oh man. She lives up a steep, and yesterday snowy, street... we made it about 3/4 the way up it... and then slid back about half the distance. Parked at the neighbors and hiked the rest of the way.

Made just enough dinner for the kids to eat, Hub to have seconds... and for Clara to drop hers. That never happens (making the right amount, not Clara pitching hers!!)- Its always too much or not quite enough + left overs.

Josh tried to figure out how many of Clara blocks would fit into the toilet, flooding the bathroom....before he was caught and sent to bed. I think the record is 3... maybe 3 and a half.

Well I should be doing my home work- or cleaning the house- or getting out of the PJ's. But the kids had late start at school, and my groove is severely shifted. Viable reasoning?!!? I think so~

Monday, January 7, 2008

Writings of an angry white woman~

I don't know why I am so mad- But I am. I know I shouldn't be- which make s it all worse. I am mad about everything, and nothing. Big things and small things too. Things I have no control over, and things I have led myself into.

Classes start again today. I am sort of looking forward to it- but I miss having the kids home schooled. At least when they swarmed- I knew what was going on with them... but then I spend the weekend with everyone and am glad, sort of, that they all head out in the morning. I always hated the thought of using public schools as a daycare- but thats just what it feels like I have done.

I am just so damned mad about everything, and I don't understand why. Why now? Nothing has really changed lately. Same crap to deal with- shouldn't be a big deal, but it's crushing. Most of my latest gripes (whines) could probably fall under the "pity party" heading- but like I mentioned. Things are the way they always are- because that is how I let them go. Not really a change here- so why be upset now?

Can you be completely overwhelmed, and underwhelmed: at the same time? Feel unnoticed, then the Hub of "Why don't I have any clean socks... whats for dinner... what ELSE is there?" ... "Well, I WOULD have done (whatever) if the house wasn't a mess...the kids were quiet..." "I didn't KNOW I was supposed to wash with soap, Start the dishwasher, throw away the pile of garbage after I (sorta) swept the floor."

So which is worse... just doing it myself (and being pissed about it all) or hollering and standing over the short ones while they wiggle and squirm and still don't do it? I think I waste more time, energy, and wind power doing the hover and holler...and then have to do it all anyway. Maybe the pissed is a valid reaction.

SO what the hell do I do now?! My life is a complete contradiction. I do, but I don't. I should, but then...don't. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep.

How do you scream out for relief, when you can't figure out what you need relief from? How do you figure out what will make things easier, better, less defeating- instead of making things harder? worse? more complicated?

I want to hide out from the world, but at the same time already feel too isolated, and alone. Strange to hear from someone with a large family- see what a conundrum I face? Seem locked in this circle of "you can't get there from here, " and "but first..." But when haven't I been?

It would be nice to take a break- but then I couldn't enjoy it- I'd be worrying about all the other things I should be doing instead. Like spending money on my school books- GUILT. Yes, its for a good reason, no- it's not like I am out buying designer text books. Yes, I need them for (more school, more school, more school) before I have a chance to start bringing in some cash rather than just spending it all. I feel like I am taking away from my family- no matter how much I try and convince myself "its for the best... IN THE LONG RUN."

Inpatients. Guilt. Uncertainty. Maybe those are my biggest reasons for my anger- but how in the world to you get over that?

Or if you are me- how do you keep trudging through it- until you can figure out what to do about it all? Sit and smolder...