Sunday, April 15, 2007


Have you ever noticed that one person can change your day? Running into an old friend in town, or getting a "I'm glad you are here" hug can make a huge difference in a day. Or if someone is grumpy. Or indifferent. On Edge. Short. It changes the way everyone in the house acts. It takes over the day, and all activities, thoughts, movements are based on THAT particular aspect of life. If One person is gone from the group- the whole dynamic changes. If moms having a bad day- things are worlds different that if it's an OK one. I find it amazing that just one person can cause that much change. How do you use it, and make those situations positive? Happy? Involved? Carefree? Mellow? You can't 'make' someone change their mood, or their mind. If your heart is set on doing something, it sucks if it doesn't work out. That's life. Get over it and move to the next thing. It's not like we have the space/ means/ opportunity to do what we all want to, when and how we want to. But is it possible to NOT take it out on everyone else? Pick up someone elses mood, rather than spreading your bad one? With all the kids and personalities running around here- attitudes are bound to pop up. The rest of us are forced to deal with them. What else can we do? It would be nice if I could just disappear for a while. Let things blow over and rejoin when things are less frazzled, messed up, stressed out. I do tend to get sucked into a book, or in front of this screen when things are "off." I pull back. I get quiet, and controlling. EVERY little thing feels like it is my fault, at my expense. The eldest wants to play on the computer- and can't. I get to deal with the 'how comes' and the 'I'm bored now's.' Of course, if I had let him do what he wanted to, he would be happy now. I am a terrible mother. My daughter won't finish her homework. I am a mean mom. I want to actually be able to read and understand what she wrote down. Her life is horrible, she can't just sit and play all day. I have ruined her life. And I will hear about it. The twinnies are fighting. I step in and make them stop. Don't hit, kick, push. Don't take, tattle, whine. I am evil. I am not fair. They both cry. The boys are loud. They want to play and do like the bigger ones. They are too small. I am mean- and they will do it anyway. Hubby says the house is loud. And Messy. And I worked all day. Nobody will leave me alone. I just want a break. Me, I want to quit having everything be a battle. I want a break, space, quiet. I want people to talk TO me, WITH me. I want to sit and cuddle with my family. One at a time. Or as a big group. I want happy. Pleasant. Involved. Shared. What am I supposed to do? I can make no one happy. Let alone everyone at the same time. I don't have the option of shutting off, or moping around. I still have to be available, even (especially) when I don't feel like it. Because I am the mom. I get to run around and try and make things better. A little at least, but as much better as I can. It's exhausting. It is frustrating. It feels useless most of the time. It's not easy. It is very seldom easy.

No comments: