Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Cathing up from Last Week

Ok Ok- I haven't been on in a while. A lot longer than I like to be. It's like my own personal therapy on here. Sometimes it works. Sometimes I am way to screwed up to even put things into words- then they just sit in my brain and ferment.

NOT A GOOD THING. Anywho- Last week was weird. Pre back to school anxiety. Which is weird, because I am the one going back to school. And I have wanted to for a while- so it should be all good right? Maybe. Still worried I will flubber it all up. All being the one class, but its Anatomy/ Physiology. That should scare the poo out of anyone.

But it is just one more thing going on, that I don't have control over. But then I don't really think I have much control over much of anything anyway- so its really just more of the same.

deep breaths, deep breaths. Use that Lamaze garbage for something... it sure didn't work for labor- maybe it will for minor/ major freak outs instead?!

So here is my bottled up mental purge... Everything everyone said or did last week felt like a direct attack, many many things were taken out of context... and interpreted (by me) in the worst ways possible. VERY much over sensitive to EVERYTHING spoken, seen, heard, implied, suggested...

And guess whats worse than being so obnoxiously overwhelmed and boo-hoo-ey? KNOWING that you are, understanding that you are acting in an irrational, screeching, pouting, whining, curl up under a rock and wait for time to pass you by- sort of mood, AND NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A DAMN THING ABOUT IT BUT SIT AND WATCH IN DISBELIEF.

I have sat and taken it all in, worried and dissected every little snippet of LIFE, hoping the dark cloud I have been under will just go away.

Still waiting.

Only difference this week is that I have busy pouring out of my pores. I don't have time to sit and wonder "what did THAT mean?" I am driving all over taking people everywhere. So now, all my mental self combat gets to happen in the evening. The condensed version.

Yes. I have been trying to get some quiet, non-thinking Me time in.

The laughing you hear in the back ground is me.

Like that happens. Like it would make a difference if it did.

THAT would just give me more time to analyse.

Probably not the best idea.

Well, I can sit and say... I will change things. I will (yada yada yada) and things will be fine. Ehhh. I'm not there yet.

I am unhappy with how I look and feel, what I am doing (what I am NOT doing,) what I SHOULD be doing... and how I should be doing it.

I am tired. I am frustrated.

I am mom. And it aggravates me BEYOND reason that I should be able to handle all this and I can't seem to get my footing.

Back to the dammed treading water- why is that the only thing that can describe this?

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