Monday, January 7, 2008

Writings of an angry white woman~

I don't know why I am so mad- But I am. I know I shouldn't be- which make s it all worse. I am mad about everything, and nothing. Big things and small things too. Things I have no control over, and things I have led myself into.

Classes start again today. I am sort of looking forward to it- but I miss having the kids home schooled. At least when they swarmed- I knew what was going on with them... but then I spend the weekend with everyone and am glad, sort of, that they all head out in the morning. I always hated the thought of using public schools as a daycare- but thats just what it feels like I have done.

I am just so damned mad about everything, and I don't understand why. Why now? Nothing has really changed lately. Same crap to deal with- shouldn't be a big deal, but it's crushing. Most of my latest gripes (whines) could probably fall under the "pity party" heading- but like I mentioned. Things are the way they always are- because that is how I let them go. Not really a change here- so why be upset now?

Can you be completely overwhelmed, and underwhelmed: at the same time? Feel unnoticed, then the Hub of "Why don't I have any clean socks... whats for dinner... what ELSE is there?" ... "Well, I WOULD have done (whatever) if the house wasn't a mess...the kids were quiet..." "I didn't KNOW I was supposed to wash with soap, Start the dishwasher, throw away the pile of garbage after I (sorta) swept the floor."

So which is worse... just doing it myself (and being pissed about it all) or hollering and standing over the short ones while they wiggle and squirm and still don't do it? I think I waste more time, energy, and wind power doing the hover and holler...and then have to do it all anyway. Maybe the pissed is a valid reaction.

SO what the hell do I do now?! My life is a complete contradiction. I do, but I don't. I should, but then...don't. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep.

How do you scream out for relief, when you can't figure out what you need relief from? How do you figure out what will make things easier, better, less defeating- instead of making things harder? worse? more complicated?

I want to hide out from the world, but at the same time already feel too isolated, and alone. Strange to hear from someone with a large family- see what a conundrum I face? Seem locked in this circle of "you can't get there from here, " and "but first..." But when haven't I been?

It would be nice to take a break- but then I couldn't enjoy it- I'd be worrying about all the other things I should be doing instead. Like spending money on my school books- GUILT. Yes, its for a good reason, no- it's not like I am out buying designer text books. Yes, I need them for (more school, more school, more school) before I have a chance to start bringing in some cash rather than just spending it all. I feel like I am taking away from my family- no matter how much I try and convince myself "its for the best... IN THE LONG RUN."

Inpatients. Guilt. Uncertainty. Maybe those are my biggest reasons for my anger- but how in the world to you get over that?

Or if you are me- how do you keep trudging through it- until you can figure out what to do about it all? Sit and smolder...

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